HandReader

DD#65: Leader/Follower

2010-07-16T11:01:00.000-07:00

Between busy-ness and lazy-ness, I've managed to distract myself from my writing since June 20th! In fairness to me, I have been writing pretty intense, introspective emails, and sharing profound bits of wisdom via phone conversations and personal contact, so I haven't really been avoiding my "work", it's just been expressed in venues other than my blog:>)) Time passes at a different speed since I don't have a J-O-B anymore.

I continue the process of sorting and clearing, but my work is sporadic at best. I'm much more interested in being with family and friends and doing fun stuff like dancing. Like a dream-come-true, I have been inroducing dancing into my life again and I'm so happy to have it. I'm grateful that I can still feel that wonderful body rhythm and move semi-gracefully. Not the flexible youth I was in my 40's but still no slouch on the dance floor. I have danced enough to lose my initial fear and rigidity and have begun to regain my confidence about being a good follower.

In dance, partner roles are referred to as "leader" and "follower". Now, these are a couple of pretty loaded words for me. While I easily (and gratefully) accept the designation as a follower in dance, I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with it in my life. In dance, being a follower means I don't have to use my brain for any of the dance steps. I don't have to do any mental manipulations about right or left foot, any combination of steps to remember, no technicalities. I can simply relax and feel the music and the subtle (or not-so-subtle) signals from my partner. I have a natural rhythm that guides me. When I'm in my head trying to remember steps, I tend to anticipate my partner's next move, therefore shifting my role from follower to leader, which tends to create confusion or frustration for the leader. So, I appreciate being able to enjoy my "follower" status.

Years ago, before I earned all of my wisdom from dancing to my life's music, I refused to be categorized as a leader or a follower. I didn't want to fit into any mold - I liked thinking of myself as unique. (Don't we all?) Imagine my surprise when my Hand Analysis mentor read my hand and told me that I was a leader. I immediately told her that I really doubted that. I didn't need to be in charge and boss people around. I was particularly sensitive to the idea of being a leader (aka: bossy) since I'd been so harshly accused of bossing my little brother around like a tyrant. Although it chafed me, it was an accusation I bore because as I matured, I realized it was true. I've made my amends...:>))

My mentor then launched into an explanation of what being a "leader" really meant. A leader is a person who is willing to step up and take the responsibility of the choices and decisions inherent with the role. It's a person who recognizes the natural dynamics of groups and can take charge and keep order when necessary. What it's not, is someone who needs to be in charge or boss others around. At this, I calmed and began to embrace my role as a leader. I liked the idea of having the skills and wisdom to know when it was the right time to don this mantle and move forward. But, uh oh! There was a new fear! What if I made a mistake?!? What if I made a bad choice? My little commitment phobic, people pleasing demon reared her head up and said, "Oh no you don't! Don't accept this because everyone will hate you! Everyone will be mad at you!"

When I expressed my fears, my brilliant mentor looked at me with a grin on her face and said, "Toni, it's not all about you." What did she mean it wasn't all about me? It most certainly was! I was the one who'd be in trouble if anything bad happened. I was the one who'd get blamed. It would be my fault.

She listened to me vent for a few minutes then gently reminded me that the reason it wasn't all about me was that I'm not here alone. My leader part knows to check in with the Universe and be the simple tool - be a channel for Divine work. I kept my sense of being unique but had a new level of awareness about what that meant. I was unique - my leadership gave me the opportunity to be creative and I understood that it wasn't all about me, but about my connection to the Divine and acknowledging not only my spark of the Divine, but recognizing it in others as well. I could shine by giving others permission to shine. I was free to express everything that I learned so I could lead others to learn about themselves. Wow! Now this I can do - with love in my heart. So, I am a grateful follower and also a grateful leader. Where do you lead and where do you follow in your life's dance?

DD#64: Father's Day

2010-06-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

OK, I think the whole Father's Day thing has brought up some stuff in me that needs to be released. I don't have any happy memories of Father's Day Past and always had a confusing and troubled relationship with both my bio father and my step father. I'm certain I transferred plenty of that confusion and trouble into my relationships with all the men in my life, too.

In the past, I've just treated Father's Day with a sense of obligation - find a gift and card and try not to tell the truth about what I really felt. I did the very same thing with my Mom. I remember many years of standing in front of dozens of cards, reading all of them to find the one that wasn't an obvious message of sappy love and devotion I didn't feel. "To the BEST Dad", "I want to be just like you, Mom", all sentiments that were not in my heart. I wanted to be a little honest - I loved them, but didn't feel any love for them for many years. I was just too angry at them for all of the things they did or didn't do as parents. I held their failings against them, never understanding how that played itself out in my life.

I carried my wound around like a weapon to use against me. I lived in a perpetual state of the victim - embracing my role. I accepted, mostly quietly, all of the abuse that I felt was heaped upon me by those who could sense my cooperation in that dynamic. I may as well have written an ad and posted in on Craig's List! "Looking for someone to punish? Well, here I am! Believe me, you don't punish me nearly as harshly as I punish myself - I'm the Mistress of Self-Abuse. I'm such a coward, I'll never tell you to stop. When I can't tolerate your behavior, I'll leave - until then, pile it on because I'm here to take it."

Gratefully, those days are mostly gone. But something is lurking around underneath and it's been poked by Father's Day. Painful memories have peeked up and asked me to take notice of them - shine some light on them and clean house again. This time it's not a complete disaster - it's not epic in its proportions - these are gentle nudges, not catastrophic shoves off cliffs into a free falling sense of impending doom. I'm able to feel them and see them for what they are: history. I can move through them as if lifting a veil that shadows my wholeness. I can walk through them with a sense of safety because I know my wounds no longer define me - they're not who I am - I don't feel hostage to them any more. So I can reach this Father's Day itch and scratch it feeling relieved that it hasn't de-railed me for more than a momentary lapse of remembering - a reflection on the pond of my life that fades quickly. Gratefully gone...

DD#63: Countdown

2010-06-07T15:33:00.000-07:00

The countdown began today. On Saturday, June 12th I'm participating in my neighborhood garage sale. There are at least 75 homes scheduled to have sales. That's a lot of stuff people are trying to sell! I have more stuff to sell than space to display it.

Because of some financial decisions, I'm divesting myself of many years of accumulated stuff - downsizing, simplifying, clearing, cleaning, making room for new energy to enter my life. I have been doing my release processes - it's just stuff - nothing I need to live a happy, fulfilled life. I've done my mental inventory and have a good idea of what I want to keep and what I'm letting go. Since I don't need it, it's part of the energetic balance I'm working with - recycle, re-use, re-purpose. Move things along to those who want or need them and voila! I'm ready to expand my amazing life even more - beyond what I imagined possible at any other time of my life. There's only one problem with that - expand how? beyond where? imagined what? What is my vision for my future? What do I really want? No cliches, no magical thinking, no fairy tale - what the heck do I see for myself in my future? How can I ask for what I want from the Universe when I haven't clearly defined it for myself?

So, even though the countdown has begun for the physical task of sorting, clearing, stacking, deciding, releasing, selling my stuff, an even more important countdown has been ignored. I'm pretty sure what I want is to clear out some things so I can take a deep breath and see some progress before I can make this real. I'm such a great planner, that so far it's been a challenging intellectual exercise - including, (promise not to laugh) an excel spreadsheet. I have mentally (and sometimes emotionally) let go of so much, but am resistant to jumping in and actually doing it.

My daughter is a great purger - she is relentless about donating or selling what she no longer needs. At a garage sale, when I hesitate to sell something for a teeny tiny fraction of what I paid for it, she says, "the idea is to get rid of it, isn't it?" which snaps me out of my reverie about when I bought it, what I paid for it, what it meant/means to me. Surely the buyer can see the VALUE of this precious item that they're offering a pittance for, can't they? What this has taught me is to be much more judicious about my purchases, because if I don't need it, I certainly don't want to be torn over how much I paid for it when I either give it away or sell it at a yard sale. Now I have to get rid of so many things I wasn't judicious about purchasing and be OK with not only letting them go, but waving good bye with love - no regrets - release them to another's care.

The closer it gets to the garage sale day, the more shaken I become at the thought of having to do this unpleasant task. When I was talking about this to a friend, she suggested that I shift my attitude from dread to excitement about how I'm building my new life. I'm still working on that...

DD#62: The Unwrapping

2010-05-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

I love unwrapping gifts! (Wait - first of all I love receiving gifts, so I guess this is an example of how I can jump past the initial stages and into the excitement of the unwrapping.) So let me back up and start from the beginning.

I love receiving (and giving) gifts. The joy, the excitement, the anticipation, is enhanced by the love I feel for the person giving the gift. It opens my heart to receive something that is a reflection of someone's thoughts and feelings for me. Even though I know there are plenty of people who just buy something to give, the loved ones in my life feel the same way I do about gift giving and receiving. A gift is thoughtful, a symbol of my love for the person. I take my time and creativity into anything I make or purchase for family and friends. I focus on the recipient - our shared time together, my awareness of him/her as an individual, his/her personality, my feelings for him/her. It has to be "just right" and show my appreciation for our connection. So, in my world, gifts are physical expressions of our spiritual/emotional bond. So, imagine the excitement I feel when presented with such a powerful symbol. Of course I can't wait to unwrap it! Could you?

So here's my gift, beautifully wrapped, just waiting to reveal itself to me. I'm imagining all kinds of things about what it will be based upon the size, shape, and weight of the package. The wrapping is beautiful, especially when it's the result of the efforts of your child or grandchild. But what's inside?

Well, receiving and unwrapping a gift is how I perceive the unfolding of romantic relationship. I've asked and have been given the gift of opportunity from the Universe. I can see the size, shape, and weight of this gift, and he's appealing to me. I like the wrapping, but what's inside?

Now here's where things begin to change. This gift is not to be torn open in excitement without regard to what it may contain. Its contents must be revealed to me slowly, over time. I want to tear into the unwrapping stage before I've honored the gift as a reflection of support for my vision of a loving relationship from the Universe. How loved I feel as I realize how tenderly the Universe has considered me - what I want, what I love, who I am, what I need - before presenting me with this gift. It's the same love and care I use when planning a gift for a loved one. This may not be the perfect gift for me, but I know the Universe will guide me as I carefully unwrap it - allowing the full expression of the loving intent to open me to new experiences along my journey. I am provided with another chance to open my heart and learn more about myself and him, while keeping my good judgment in tact. My wisdom gained from experience tells me that I can apply what I've learned and be both the giver and the receiver of this gift. I am the participant and the observer and it feels very balanced - and new, and a little frightening all at once.

DD#61: Slow and Steady

2010-05-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

I want spring weather! I'm tired of the cold, rainy, overcast days. According to my calendar, Spring sprang several weeks ago and we've only had brief glimpses of it so far. It seems my moods are closely aligned with the amount of sunshine streaming into my windows.

I love the weather cushion of Spring and Fall - the lovely transition from cold/rainy winter and hot/sunny summer. This is quite unusual because transitions usually create a feeling of edginess in me. Transition equals change and while I'm pretty adept at acting like I'm rolling with the punches, inside I'm quaking with fear, doubt, and insecurity.

For most of my life, I never admitted to feeling anxious or vulnerable about anything. Showing vulnerability meant that I could be identified as a victim and suffer the consequences - definitely not safe. Over the course of a lot of deep, therapeutic work I've gained much wisdom and have learned that there are circumstances when being vulnerable is productive.

I'm in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship and based upon past experiences, have come to understand that I must risk a certain level of vulnerability during each phase of the process. What to reveal and when to reveal it is always risky. As our connection deepens, true vulnerability is in staying authentically who I am while observing who he is. Are his words and actions congruent? Does he walk his talk or is he all talk? Does he make promises he doesn't keep? Does he remember what I've told him about myself and gather it into his feelings about me? Is he attentive and considerate of me? All of this and much more is recorded in my mind for review after each conversation, email, and time spent together. I know that if he is genuine, all of the same things about me are recorded in his mind, too.

This slow dance is delightful and so different from many of my past experiences with men when I felt full of rocket fuel and shot out of the launch pad like a nuclear weapon with him as the target. I obsessed about all of the exciting aspects while totally blinded by all of the negative. Red flags? What red flags? I'm having fun, so there are no caution flags and certainly no red flags that I'm aware of! All became visible when suffering the pain of making another poor choice. Why didn't I see them earlier? Perhaps because I was moving at warp speed and everything was a blur except my desire to make this mere mortal my dream man.

Now I'm older and wiser and so grateful for the slow dance. Sharing, observing, listening, feeling - how does it fit into my wants and needs in relationship. During this time of heady possibilities, how do I see "us" a year from now, five years from now and further out? Will the small stuff become so huge that it will be intolerable? What are the red flags? Maybe they're only pink flags - maybe no flags - all will be revealed as we slow dance our way into what we both hope will be a fulfilling, loving, deeply connected relationship. We're both looking for the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Maybe we just may have found our last first date - we'll see as this unfolds...

DD#60: 2nd Post - My Two-fer

2010-05-11T12:09:00.000-07:00

I'm smiling as I remember how it feels to dance. My body is still feeling the music and movement. I have this extended feeling for Contra dancing, rock, and belt-buckle-polishing slow dance - they all stay with my body for a few days afterward. It's like I have an amazing music/dance/connection echo - the memory is such a reflection of the body/mind/spirit perspective of what I treasure in my life and the vibrations are anchored, ready to be recalled any time I want to treat myself.

Each time I revisit the experience, I feel the memory of dancing as the physical expression of partnership, yin/yang, leader/follower, cooperation. It takes the subtle physical signals and puts them to music. The gentle but firm pressure on my back or hand to lead me into the next step. The music humming through my body, joining my partner's vibration, becoming a single, smooth, sensual movement together. The powerful aphrodisiac of the eye contact when we spin in Contra dancing while the music leads us through the next step. The energetic connection of bodies dancing to hot, pulsing, rock'n'roll, belying the physical space between us.

It's delicious to tap into these moments of artistic communication, feeling my body, my partner's body, and how we created something beautiful together, something that connects us long after we've traveled to our separate beds. I'm anticipating the time when I can share the night of dancing and keep the physical connection in a single bed and I'm warm with the thought of it...

DD#60: Enough!

2010-05-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

What to do, what to do? When there are so many choices it's hard to know where to start! Actually, starting isn't nearly as much of a challenge as knowing when to stop. When is enough, enough?

As I clear out my path for living my best life, I have attracted options I never knew existed while I stayed in hiding, buried by my clutter. As my mind clears out the obstacles, my body must decide to take physical action. I actually have lots of physical stuff to move out of the way and I'm in an old pattern of feeling overwhelmed by the sheer size of the job ahead. I have spent inordinate amounts of time and dedication in my head, I just have to get my body to cooperate. The head has started, but the body has said "ENOUGH" before I even made the first step.

I've always thought that if I waited long enough the motivation would hit me like a bolt of lightening and I'd be spurred to action like a startled runaway horse who's been spooked by a snake in the path. Well, what I've learned is that, as tiresome and boring as it sounds, I must take action THEN the motivation will ensue. How tedious! I want to think my way through all this tough stuff. I want to wave my magic wand and have it all done. (Aha! I just made a typo that was profound! I typed magic "want" in error. Guess what? That's exactly what it is! Magic Want - not magic wand!) I want to worry about it enough to make it happen without my having to do it.

So, basically, what I have started is not the work, it's the worry, and I'm having a hard time stopping. When is enough enough? Guilt, worry, and resentment are corrosive, like slowly dripping acid eating away at my spirit.Why is that the first phase of every project? Why can't I just skip it and create my plan and move forward? It's like I have to do my duty to my dark side before I can skip into the light. I'm setting my intention to activate my override command and skip the worry so I can smoothly, easily move into the idea, the plan, the action steps, the action, then any modifications required to assure successful completion of something that's important in my life. See? I'm waving my Magic Want...

DD#:59: Hot Pursuit

2010-05-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

What's up with this dating/mating game? It certainly seems to be feast or famine for me. I've been having so much fun dancing and flirting and have written about it occasionally. It's been INCREDIBLE for me. So here's my conundrum: why is it that when you meet one or two men you may be interested in getting to know better, suddenly the flood gates open and it's a deluge of men? Do we put out some kind of primal signal that we're ready to mate? Do men have a secretly fine tuned 7th or 8th (we all have a 6th sense) sense that makes them aware of female receptiveness? Like a dog whistle only dogs can hear, our female signal is only picked up by those with a Y chromosome.

After an empty space of 3-4 weeks without any male attention, in the past couple of weekends of joyous dancing the Universe has presented me with 3-4 men who could be interesting - in a possible romantic-interesting kind of way. It's exciting to feel their attention and our mutual attraction.

So now that I've emitted the female signal, a flood of Y chromosomes have caught wind of it and are called to the chase. I've gotten an increased volume of emails on my online profile - including a couple of smokin' hot men who are way (WAY, WAY, WAY) younger who are in hot pursuit. I mean I have to admit that it's very tempting to be pursued by a man who is gorgeous, but my common sense tells me that this is the "Cougar" thing and I don't really want to be a Cougar.

I'm into having fun, but have outgrown the risky-behavior kind of fun. My risks come in a different more mature variety now. Like taking the risk of being honest with myself and others, or the risk of speaking up when I need to, and the risk of being real. Now those are BIG risks!

Anyway, I'm flattered that someone so young and beautiful finds me attractive enough to want to be with me, but, oh my, I just can't imagine myself being comfortable with anyone that age. What would we talk about, how could we get each other's frame of reference around perspective, humor, music, etc? Oh yes, in my state of being blinded by their physical beauty, I forgot, this is not about connecting through our deep conversations. It's about another kind of connecting - and while I'd be proud to share my years of cumulative wisdom, the idea of sharing my aging, saggy body is quite terrifying!

So, fantasies aside, I will enjoy the male attention and keep a sane attitude about my goal of being open to a healthy, loving, deeply connected romantic relationship with the appropriate man for me. If he's not among the ones that I'm seeing now, I know that when the time is right, he's going to show up and pursue me just as hotly as a youngster after his Cougar!

DD#58: Movement - physical and social

2010-05-02T11:19:00.000-07:00

I have a happiness hangover - not from alcohol - from having fun. My body is slightly sore, my head is a little achey and my spirit and brain are feeling terrific. I spent another night of intense dancing. While I'm on the dance floor, I feel the joy of being in my body and don't give a care to how I'll feel the next day. I know that after more regular dancing I'll be able to wake up feeling flexible and healthy the morning after - even with fewer hours of sleep.

I drove to a night club an hour and a half from my home to join in a friend's birthday party. It's been many years since I've been in this particular type of venue and wasn't sure what to expect. The one thing I could be sure of, however, was that if my friend said it was a great place it most certainly would be a fun experience.

I was a little curious to see whether things had changed since my Friday and Saturday nights clubbing from years ago. In those days, there was plenty of alcohol consumed - not by me because I've always been a lightweight drinker - but by others in the clubs I frequented. The single men stood around watching and the women sat around bouncing in their chairs just waiting to be asked to dance. It was a highly competitive waiting game. Who would win the attention of an attractive man?

The men needed a few drinks before they'd venture over to someone to ask. Since I can only speculate how tough it must be to get up the courage to ask a woman to dance leaving yourself open to the possibility of being publicly rejected, I'll speak from my perspective - one of the women who sat with her friends or alone, hoping and praying I'd be asked to dance. I remember looking around the room watching women forced by social customs to sit in their chair moving in rhythm to the music, smiling, flirting (outrageously or covertly), giving every signal they knew to entice a man to ask them to dance. Sometimes it worked and others it didn't, but nearly every woman in the place wanted to dance. For most of us singles it was the only opportunity we had to feel the joy of dancing and safe physical contact with a man.

Well, the times have changed - a LOT! Last night I joined an array of men and women of every size, color, style, and age having fun on the dance floor. None of the women waited for a man to ask - when a song was played that moved us, we headed to the dance floor and danced. There were still plenty of men standing in groups watching and waiting, but women weren't waiting for them. Sometimes the men would simply join us on the dance floor, three or four to a group. I was asked to dance and joined on the dance floor by men of all ages and colors - everyone was simply feeling the joy of strutting their stuff to the music. There seemed to be no socially proscribed qualifications for age, gender, or ethnic background - the only requirement was to be free enough to have fun moving with the music. How liberating it felt to participate in this break away from the old rigidity around who should do what. The only expectation was to feel the rhythm, laugh, join in, be there, dance, flirt, smile, and occasionally bump into someone who was exuberantly movin' to the music.

DD: #57 Stirring up Stuff

2010-05-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

Each day I have seated myself in front of my computer keyboard, opened my blog and sat to ponder what will float to the top of my fertile mind. I've often thought of my writing as the cream that rises to the top - the richest part of my ever-busy mind. Of course there are a few other things that float to the top, too:>)), and I haven't been able to wade through the other stuff to allow the cream to find its way up.

I've been blank! I've been busy thinking about plenty of other things, talking with friends and family, planning my work, and just having some fun. I've been enjoying my life - AND - I haven't written about it. Why? I really want to know why I'm reluctant to put it in writing. Is this a dry spell or something else more sinister? Is my evil sister, Procrastinating Polly back to haunt me?

The ultimate egotist, Procrastinating Polly has been my nemesis on many levels through out my life. She's easy to blame because she's never far from the surface - waiting to take the only immediate action she's capable of performing: arrogantly pushing my purposeful, productive self aside to be ignored while I allow her free reign. It's just so easy to let her take charge! It's old, familiar and oh so comfortable to become her captive. I slip into my feelings of being helpless to boot her out and nurture my inner victim.

As with all egotist aspects, she's driven by my fear. Now what the h---, I say, can I possibly be afraid of in this amazing, wonderful life I have? Who knows for sure? I can only begin naming some of the exciting changes that are occurring in my life now and know that hiding in there among them is good ol' FEAR. Even as I embrace the aliveness I feel about being me, these days, there are always small parts of me (Procrastinating Polly among others) wanting to put the skids on forward progress because it's just too scary. It's DIFFERENT, it's CHANGE, it's UNKNOWN. Well, I could go on with a few more nouns, but the point is that all of this stirs up my STUFF.

My stuff is like sediment. While things are calm, it settles to the bottom and things appear to be clean and clear. I know it's down there, but it's easy to forget. Through the years, I've done much inner work and filtered out plenty of sediment 'stuff', but there's still some lying in wait to be stirred up, sometimes unexpectedly. Just when things are sailing along on smooth waters, something happens to cloud my clarity with my stuff. Each time my stuff comes up, I get another chance to filter some of it out by being aware and noticing quickly that something's amiss. In the face of everything positive, I'm slipping into an old behavior - avoiding, tuning out, unplugging, delaying, exhibiting my feelings of fear. When I realize it, I can smile and nod in recognition, take out my tool kit and begin processing so I can move through it. The cloudy waters begin to clear as I use my tools to filter even more sediment so there's less available to dull my vision next time I wade into my own sh--. So, the forecast for today is CLEAR and SUNNY - not a cloud in sight:>))

DD#56: Dancing in the Now

2010-04-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm admitting it - I LOVE male attention. I used to think it was a weakness in me - if I were healthy and strong I wouldn't NEED or want attention from anyone - everything I needed would come from the inside. I'm older and wiser now and understand more about what's realistic and what's magical thinking - what makes a healthy person. Old me = unhealthy and needy/healthy person = no needs! Now me - I'm healthy AND I LOVE male attention.

This past weekend I went dancing both Saturday and Sunday nights and was nurtured and nourished by plenty of male attention. It was so much fun that I felt the glow long after. Saturday's Contra dancing left me so full of joy I had a hard time going to sleep because I was so energized by my experience. I kept replaying the night in my head, renewing the excitement and happiness. I was re-energizing myself instead of relaxing so I could drift off to sleep, subsequently I only got about 3 hours of rest which didn't stop me from doing it again on Sunday night:>))

Dancing gives me so much joy. It's everything I love about feeling connected while being present in my body. I love moving to the music, I love the touch, I love feeling the music, I love the male attention, I love the flirting, I love the connecting. What's not to love about all that?

I used to go out with friends expressing the "I'm just going to dance" perspective, but it was a lie. I went out with my paradoxical self. The desperate part was on the hunt and said, "I'm going to have fun and this time I'll meet my dream man". The fearful part was terrified and said, "What if nobody asks me to dance?!" I spent many hours sitting or standing around waiting for the right man to ask me to dance, certain the whole time that I was not worth asking.

I'm here to say that we can change that old stuff! I know more about who I am - my authentic self - the strong, attractive, confident, loving woman who has so much to offer. The woman who is definitely worthy of love - especially the most important love - love of herself.

With incredible courage and willingness I have tackled the old beliefs that darkened my perspective and shined light on them. In the light of love and reality, they have shriveled like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz. They're just ashes to be dusted away when they show up in me. I know they will pop up unexpectedly, but now I can recognize them for what they really are and lovingly say "Good Bye" to them.

So now I LET myself have fun and shine knowing that it's happening to me here and now. Joy doesn't need to be viewed through my past or hide out and wait for some magical future. I'm Dancing in the Now!

DD#55: Loving My Body

2010-04-23T12:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at my desk in my jammies with pale pink & black plaid bottoms and a soft pink top. I love soft fabric against my skin. This color of pink makes me feel very feminine and soft, too. That's how I'm feeling these days - soft and feminine - receptive. I am very sensual - aware and feeling at a sensory level and how that colors my perspective. Part of my gift to me is loving myself in ways that are very different from "rewarding" myself. My sensual nature encourages the expressions of this self love in many forms.

I abused my body for most of my life - taking it for granted, ignoring its pleas to stop what I was doing - to be kind and gentle to this physical gift that houses my emotions, intellect, and spirit. I worshiped the intellect, sometimes nurtured the spiritual and beat the h-- out of my poor body - often referring to my body as "the body" as if it were somehow separate from me. I hated my body - it wasn't perfect!

For as long as I can remember, I've compared my body to the "perfection" pounded into my head by a multitude of messages. I succumbed to the standards interpreted by the media, my family, my friends, and most of all, my inner perfectionist. I tried many ways to learn to love my body and accept myself on a deeper level than simply being defined by my body. It all felt like a lie. As I looked in the mirror and smiled and said, "I love my body!", inside I was screaming "That's a lie! I hate my body!" I punished myself by eating more and heaping on the abusive habits and the pounds.

I was miserable and turned to my relief valve: magical thinking. Yes, I got into my head where I felt strong and reasoned my way into the kind of thinking that kept me in the misery loop at full speed. I thought up plans to "fix" me. I read about others who had overcome their hatred of their bodies by going on the latest diet. I was working harder to AVOID taking action than the action itself would have taken. Why? Because I wasn't ready to do what it takes to get what I wanted. I was looking for a silver bullet, the painless pill, the magic way to lose weight without having to do anything. I wanted a cure that didn't include the only thing that works: eating less and moving more.

Looking back on my journey, it's clear to me that I wasn't ready until I was ready. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Well, it's simply profound. Two years ago, I was ready. I didn't know I was ready, but I was led to a program that has offered what works for me: structure, accountability, balance, healthy foods, avoiding trigger foods like flour and sugar, and letting the Universe guide me. I didn't want any of these things, but was desperate enough to be open to giving it a try.

So, after losing 60+ pounds, I'm in a healthy, normal size body that I have maintained for about 18 months. Did losing the weight cure my magical thinking? Well, it did end my fantasies of losing weight and eating healthy - that's real now. Did it free me from my obsession with my body? Kind of. I'm much more accepting now, but realize that deep down inside, I imagined that when (if!) I ever reached this weight, somehow a much slimmer 20 year old would be reflected in my mirror! If that's not magical thinking, I don't know what is. What a shock to see my fat, imperfect body become the thinner, imperfect body of a woman in her early 60's! Who is this stranger? I was completely dismayed to watch my body shrink like a deflated balloon leaving behind sags and wrinkles that had never been part of my vision of me in a thinner body! (OK, I know I've used several !!! in a row, but this is powerful stuff for me!!)

Anyway, now I love myself, including a special kind of love for my body. I love feeling healthy, more maneuverable, more flexible. I like that I take up less space. I like buying cute clothes in single digit sizes. I like being able to find stylish smaller clothes at a thrift shop for a couple of bucks. I like that my clothes fit on hangers instead of falling off one side because of how large they are. I like the admiring looks I get, (not from young men as in my 20 year old vision), but from older men, close to my age. I like feeling good about me - and as far as I'm concerned, I've almost completely let go of the perfectionism about my body. I'm more accepting and willing to do things that show my appreciation for this very important part of me. I take sensual pleasure in moving through my life aware on all three levels: body/mind/spirit. I now understand that our bodies are genuine gifts - they're the package that holds the other two gifts: mind and spirit. I like my package gift wrapped and beautiful in honor of what it contains.

DD#54: More Lessons in Life...

2010-04-22T10:23:00.000-07:00

Here it is, several weeks since my last entry and my commitment to do 90 blogs in 90 days is far from perfect. Guess it is my way of practicing a very important life changing philosophy for a perfectionist like me: progress, not perfection.

I'd like to continue my last blog entry with the details of my conversation with Mr X and have been putting it off because I've learned that I'm a lot better at speaking dialogue than I am at writing it. I have it in my head, but somehow it seems overwhelming to write it with all of the correct punctuation --- and here comes my perfectionist! OMG - my evil twin has reared her ugly head again - yes, I'm a grammar and punctuation snob and she's large and in charge right now.

What I can do right now is to share how courageous I was to take the lead in this very emotional conversation. How my willingness to speak my truth with clear, clean communication, gave Mr X the courage to speak his truth, too. What I learned from this very important call was that I was better equipped to take the lead in this situation. I have always remained passive and by my non-action, allowed others to make my emotional decisions for me. I have been a willing victim of other people's choices because I didn't speak up for myself unless I had been pushed into a corner and had to come out swinging. So speaking my truth was always confrontational - involving anger and frustration and major fear.

In my commitment to being authentic, I understood that Mr X was not a bad man, but was going through a painful process and didn't know how to communicate it verbally. I led him through this process and at the end of our phone call, he said I was much braver than he was and that he didn't have the right words - I had helped him find the words and ultimately be honest. He was bothered by not replying to my email and it haunted him, but he didn't know how to handle it any other way. He also didn't see any options for "us" at this time since he couldn't imagine being in a loving relationship without his version of sex.

In that single conversation, I learned much about him and it was clear to me then, that by making that call - taking the lead - I had cleared up any confusion over whether I was letting the best man I'd ever met slip away in fear. I understood that I wanted much more from the man in my life than sex. I believe sex is a very important part of a loving relationship and I want a partner (husband) who is open and vibrant -AND, I need to feel a deep spiritual connection too.

We must be connected at all three levels: body/mind/spirit. If one is missing, the other two just limp along until the road gets rough. Since the relationship isn't strong enough to survive the rocky terrain, it crumbles apart and falls by the wayside, piece by broken piece, leaving two very injured souls. Most of us have endured this horrible experience and carry the scars to prove it. I couldn't turn a blind eye to this very real scenario with Mr X, even though he had taught me what a loving husband could be. Mr X was adrift and couldn't see a life boat in sight - I faced my fear and helped him beyond his own, so we both learned from it.

I took the lesson and walked away with a couple of bruises and incredible awareness of who I am and what I have to offer others. My courage to be a leader in modeling how to be honest and clear in our message to ourselves and others was validated and I am grateful. Living in my own truth and using my voice is a powerful way to live my purpose: I'm here to show others how to learn to love themselves fully and honestly, so they can love others in the same way. I'm willing to learn how to reach inside and communicate through that spark of the Divine that resides in everyone and connects us to each other as we move through the Divine Energetic Soup that unites us with our Beloved.

DD#53: Getting there from here...

2010-04-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've been on an intellectual/emotional/spiritual binge and didn't have the oomph to write, what with all that thinking, feeling, and praying going on. I was so caught up in my inner life, I hardly had time to do anything at all in my outer life beyond the bare basics of fueling my body and getting what sleep I could manage. Oh, yes, one more thing: talking the ears off of every dear friend with the loving patience to listen and support me in both my joy and pain. If I was forced to grow during this adventure, I was going to drag them along so they could learn too - kind of my payback to the Universe - my two-for-one deal.

I've known for many years that I don't have a good history when it comes to romantic relationships and when I decided to dip my toe back into the dating pool, it was with some trepidation and a vow to do certain things: be authentic (honestly me), be vulnerable, take big risks (big for me, anyway) by doing it different, feel the joy and be willing to feel any growing pains, and finally to remember to do relationship by committee (hint: I'm not always able to see through my blind spots, but family and friends who love me have clear vision and my permission to get my attention with a 2x4 if necessary).

So my dating game started several months ago on an internet singles site. Flirts, emails, phone calls, and coffee dates. I've met some interesting men along the way and learned something valuable about myself from each of them. This recent man (Mr. X) who crossed my path to teach me something was wonderful. I learned much about myself and him from our budding relationship.

He was SO appropriate! Yes, absolutely APPROPRIATE! I was smitten from the 1st real date. I was in love with being in love and it felt SOOOOO great! He was perfect. After spending some time with him I made a shift in my consciousness and realized that because of this man, I was no longer asking the Universe for a partner - I wanted a husband. (OMG! Did I actually mean "HUSBAND"?) Well, yes, I did. This was the first man I'd ever been interested in who knew how to be a husband. He was my first role model and I was totally loving it and him.

I planned my spring wedding and visualized my future life with him fantasizing about how phenomenal it would be - the two of us, blending families, traveling, laughing, joking, sharing, loving, deeply connected intimacy, the whole enchilada. This man brought out the best in me and said I brought out the best in him. What a match we were. We were blissfully engaged in flirty, witty emails and phone conversations, so stimulated by our exchanges that I eagerly anticipated every second I could spend with him. We played, we laughed, we talked, we teased, we planned, we enjoyed each other so much.

Do you hear the sound of the approaching monster "Jaws" yet? Well, I absolutely didn't. Actually neither did he (at least I don't believe he did). We were spending as much time together as two busy people can and talking and flirting our way into "committed relationship" country. Then a little problem reared its ugly head (or didn't) and things began a rapid downward spiral.

He couldn't imagine himself in an relationship without the "S"(ex) word and his Dr. was telling him that was history for him - he was devastated. He panicked and re-focused on getting busy with many projects to keep his mind occupied so he didn't have to think about what he used to think about all the time.

More and more was being revealed to me about the perfect Mr X. What did he mean when he said he didn't want to be in a relationship unless sex was involved? Did that mean that the only reason he'd be interested in me in the first place was that he was attracted to me sexually? I mean, I've heard that men think of sex 60 times more often than women, but is it the ONLY reason to be with someone? What about having fun together? What about doing things together? What about enjoying closeness? What about all of the "alternative" methods of reaching sexual fulfillment? I was full of questions and he had one answer: no deal.

I arrived home after a weekend away with friends and saw the writing on the wall - his email saying he wanted me to find a much younger man who could match my vitality and say good bye to him. It broke my heart. I saw him as so much more than that. When we talked, he apologized and said he didn't want to hurt me but he just couldn't be with me - he didn't want to be with anyone. If he could be with anyone, it would be me because I was fabulous (I knew that!), but he just didn't feel anything anymore - that part of his life was a "dead zone" now and that was more than he could bear. The part of himself with which he most closely identified was MIA and he didn't know how he could recreate himself.

He asked for a couple of weeks to get used to this new version of himself. We would stay in communication via email and phone. I knew he was in pain and asked him to allow himself to receive my love and support and that we could make it through this together.

We exchanged chatty emails and talked a couple of times over the next two days. When I knew he was coming to my home to help me do something he'd agreed to before the bad news hit him, I asked him if it was OK to hug. He said hugs were good, but when he arrived and I hugged him, he was noticeably uncomfortable and when I reached up to give him a peck on the cheek, he quickly turned his head fearing that I'd zoom in on his mouth, I guess. We had the same experience when he dropped me off and walked me to my door.

How could it be so uncomfortable only two days after it had been so fantastic? I was reeling and trying my best to be patient and supportive. I wanted to honor his request for some time to get straight with this new situation.

The phone calls stopped and we exchanged ever shorter emails over the next couple of days. Finally, I realized that even though this man's unilateral decision had impacted me and I was feeling sad and hurt, I had stepped into an old behavior of protecting him from my feelings. I wanted to suffer in silence so I wouldn't bother him or be too much trouble, or even feared to let him think I was deeply hurt. After all, I'm a strong woman who's survived much worse than this and bounced back. I would tough this out by myself. My old thoughts about men in general began to creep into my grief, but I knew it was just a flash of old stuff, nothing big. But here I was protecting him from me.

I decided to send him an email that was chatty and subtly referred to my sadness. It was beautiful and I edited it to say just exactly what I meant. I decided to take the biggest risk yet and hit "send". I anxiously watched for his reply the next morning (our pattern was my email at night and his reply early in the morning) and when I arose, there it was. His response to my missing him was "hang in there".

When I feel connected to someone, I get a spiritual/physical feeling of separation when they detach. With two previous men, as they walked away from my home I felt them detach. I'd felt connected to Mr X, even as he drove away, even when he was in his home and I was in mine, I felt our connection like a physical presence. It's something I've always felt with people and I'm even more aware of it as I grow in recovery.

I was feeling Mr X detach and fearfully, I wrote another chatty email that night then checked my inbox as soon as I was up the next morning - no reply. OK, I'll be fine - just keep checking - OK, still nothing, but it's OK, he's probably busy, more OK's - it's OK, I'll be OK, OK, where the H-- is his reply??? I checked constantly that day, the next day and the next morning. By then I was a mess because my brain was in overdrive jumping from one scenario to the next. The one thing I couldn't deny was my sense that he was detaching. I thought of how I'd practiced being patient, letting things play out, waiting (W8NC), and taking the risk of trusting the Universe that I would be guided. I prayed, I meditated, I took my dilemma to quiet time, I talked with friends and sought their counsel. I wanted to call Mr X and be straightforward - was he in or was he out? What did his silence mean?

When I talked with a good friend she told me to take care of myself and honor who I truly am. That statement took me to quiet time again. Hey God, who am I really? Am I a willful, stubborn woman who MUST have her way? Is my need to call him being manipulative? I was full of questions and decided to ask them and sit in silence until I received my response.

I got my answer in the simplest of messages: Toni, you are a person who is clear and clean in your communication with yourself and others. You are courageous and appreciate clean cuts. You hate hacked off, strung out, messy endings. You're a practical woman who is resilient and will be OK with this no matter what the outcome, and a phone call would be taking care of yourself and honoring who you are. So I dialed his number.

DD#52: W8NC

2010-03-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm learning - to W8NC! I remember many years ago, a young man I worked with would pick up his daughter from her kindergarten class and she'd spend a couple of hours with him in his office until her mom could pick her up. She was a delight and everyone loved having her there. She brightened our day with her five year old perspective on things.

One afternoon, I stopped by to ask her what she'd learned in class that day. She was always eager to share her new knowledge with us - keeping us up to date with the latest in kindergarten education. On that day, she looked at me, smiled and said, "We learned how to wait in line!" She was very happy about offering that bit of wisdom and it made me laugh to think that they had to "teach" waiting in line to children. (Although, as a former teacher, I knew how important it was to establish boundaries and rules to help children (and the teachers) create the best learning environment given class sizes at about 25-30 kids per teacher. It was true that learning how to wait in line was an important part of that curriculum.)

Through the years I've thought of that many times and laughed at how cute she was standing there in her little dress, with her red, curly hair and blue eyes. The other day it suddenly occurred to me that I still hadn't learned what she was learning in kindergarten - how to wait in line - how to W8NC. I get impatient and prickly when I have to wait for anything, whether it's in line or for something I want - especially if it's something I want. When I want something I want it NOW, not later - definitely not a W8NC attitude. I have trouble waiting patiently to let things play out in their own time. I want to get out my carving knife and start whittling that square peg to fit it into a round hole. I want to FIX it, DO something so it's to my liking, taking charge, pushing through it, manipulating it, doing something, thinking I can get the outcome I want.

Lately I've been given the gift of some life experiences that I can't control and while my urge is to manipulate them, I've decided to finally learn how to W8NC what happens - in the Universe's time, not mine. Turning whatever "it" is over to the Universe/HP/God/Goddess, is the only way I can know if it's ME or the Universe that is working on the outcome. How can I know when I'm so skilled at working it my way? Unless I'm willing to W8NC, I can never know whether it's God's will or mine. My will has taught me many a good lesson, but I've mostly refused to LEARN from those gifts. So, on my knees, tired, and bruised, I can rise up with the faith, courage, and support of all who love me (including myself this time around:>)) and actually LEARN and APPLY this experience of letting go and living in the day and allowing things to unfold as God intends. No struggle, no hard work, no fight involved - just me and HP holding hands and trusting that all will turn out for the best. W8NC allows me to remember that the Universe has 3 answers to prayer: "yes", "not now", and "I have something better planned for you". That gives me hope and patience to W8NC how this becomes another miracle of growth and recovery - and for this I am grateful...

DD#51: What I don't want to feel

2010-03-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I took a huge risk with my feelings. I risked feeling incredible joy without a "guaranty" of a positive outcome. I knew that feeling the joy and being present for it was worth the risk of feeling the pain of living in the unknown. I've written about my black and white thinking before - I want to have everything be "yes or no" "all or nothing" "right or wrong" "now or never". I'm torn between feeling a need to stay with it and nurse it, nurture it, pour myself into it or just trash it and move on. The in between - unknown, mystery, waiting, patience, time - are hard for me.

I knew how to fear feeling joy just in case it would end (as, of course, it always did, my cynical self said). One day I realized that, what the heck, I was around for the pain, so I may as well feel the joy, too. Things began to change, but the thing that never changes is that things will change - joy will change, sorrow will change, pain will change - none of it is permanent. It takes living in the present, accepting the unknown and feeling all of it. For the most part, I feel gratitude for all of it - pain and joy. I'm feeling, so it makes me real. Right now I'm feeling the pain of lost wishes, hopes and dreams. The joy will return and so will the wishes, hopes and dreams, but somehow they will be different - they'll be more anchored, closer to reality as they are after every time I take the risk of feeling joy without fearing the pain...

DD#50: Flirting

2010-03-17T11:22:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love to flirt! I'm shameless! I have a special man who's becoming part of my life and I'm enlivened by our shared flirtations. I'm not overtly sexual, but sweet little snippets of hints of whispers of possibilities is SO much fun. A look, a smile, a light touch, a few words whispered or a laugh at a shared embarrassment are powerful communications in romance.

My mother says I was born flirting and I always assumed it was natural for everyone. She loves to tell stories of how I enchanted everyone around me, how I flirted and engaged them even before I was able to carry on a conversation. As a child, my flirtations were my way of showing how I liked someone and wanted to be liked. Flirting had no sexual implications, I just seemed to know how to say nice things to others to make them feel better and that made me happy.

As I aged, flirting took on a darker element - it was no longer harmless. It was being perceived as a sexual invitation and I suffered painfully as a result of doing what came naturally for me and what that meant to men I met. I was inadvertently sending out sexual messages when all I really wanted was to have fun, safe ways of connecting - not promising. I thought of sexual flirting as something deeper - what I shared with the man in my life, not messages cast out to all men transmitting my availability.

I had to learn how to NOT flirt, to be conscious of every nuance of possible hidden messages in words, movements, and looks when around men. My behavior became stilted, frozen in fear that I would be sending signals that would cause problems for me. I stopped feeling light and free around men and waded into the heaviness of fear that I would be misinterpreted and suffer the repercussions. The words "appropriate" and "inappropriate" became my guidelines. I had a new rule book to memorize and practiced my new "not flirting" with a seriousness that was alien to me. Being around men was no longer fun and exciting - it was fraught with potential consequences that brought up past painful experiences.

Like everything we put into practice, I became adept at learning how to dampen my messages, but in the process I also dampened my spirit. Somewhere there had to be a happy medium, where I could be the fullness of me and communicate safely. I hated hiding who I am as protection, but I needed to find the place in me where I could express myself honestly instead of hiding.

I began by talking openly and honestly to my friends - men and women - about communication - how it's interpreted, what meanings are implied or understood, how to communicate without fear of endangering myself. Since my creative art is communication, I was like an old master who had to learn the fundamentals before exploring the uniqueness of his individual signature.

I had to fine tune my signals and develop my own style. I was learning the art of subtle flirting without subjecting myself to interpretation of how others perceived me. It was not my job to try and decipher someone's opinions or thoughts, only my own. If my motivation for my behavior was without sexual intent, I was not responsible for how someone received it.

Flirting became fun again! It was no longer communication exclusively for men - my flirting includes my women friends. It's about seeing the humor in our hubris which is not gender specific. It's about subtle manipulation of words and phrases. It's about expressing who I am and my perspective on life. It's about fun and I'm enjoying the connection flirting creates with family and friends. I'm a flirt again and loving it...

DD#49: Slow Dancing

2010-03-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've just been listening to some oldies that I love - Etta James: At Last, Tracy Nelson: Down So Low, and Candi Staton: He Called Me Baby. Beautiful words and music for slow dancing. I was thinking of these because I've met a man I want to slow dance with and it feels so lovely. I want to be held in his arms and feel the connection of the two of us moving together while we let the music guide us. When I dance the feeling of my body moving to the rhythm of the music is pure joy for me. To share this with someone I have feelings for expands that feeling, and deepens our connection of body/mind/spirit. While I listen to these songs I can close my eyes and imagine feeling our bodies moving smoothly, skin touching skin, feeling our shared heat and it makes me smile. I want to slow dance with the man I love - soon...

DD#48: Mr & Mrs Right

2010-03-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

What is love to a love addict? I never would have thought of myself as a love addict, but my mind changed when I took a look at my past a few years ago and realized that I had not been able to create a healthy relationship with a man, nor even sustain an unhealthy one.

I was a serial monogamist and thought of myself as a loving, caring, big hearted woman who had always been "done wrong" by her man. I'd loved and lost so many times I had come to expect it as inevitable. Men always left me - either physically or emotionally - they departed. Why? That was my lament. I had so many things to offer! All of my friends and family confirmed that they were as mystified as I was about why I couldn't find a "good" man. We assumed that all of the good men were taken - the common complaint of most singles.

I mixed and mingled at many different venues, searching for Mr Right - the man who would fix me once and for all. The man who would love me unconditionally. I created a long list of attributes and characteristics I wanted in my Mr Right. I listened to motivational tapes and relationship tapes and then watched love stories wishing and hoping I could have the kind of love they had. I cried my eyes out wondering where I'd gone wrong. I was angry, I was hurt, I was disappointed, I was resentful - they just didn't see the real me that was hidden inside all of the dysfunctional addictions and fat. Like the movies and books, Mr Right would recognize me for who I really was and fall in love with me. His love would coax me out and allow me to reveal my true identity - Mrs Right!

Meanwhile, I walked around like a huge magnet attracting men whom I referred to as "emotional fixer-uppers". They needed me to care for them in some way and I confused their need with love. Funny how I never realized my own stuff - everything that made me choose men who mistreated me - I didn't have any respect for myself, how could a "good" man have respect for me?

I don't mean to disparage men - there are millions of excellent men out there, but I was attracting men who were my mirror - they reflected back to me what I didn't want to see in myself. Who could make something like that work? Two people who needed to take a closer look at who they were and who they wanted to be and measure that gap. We were like two people who can't swim trying to save each other. The result is two drownings.

Funny how things work - once I became willing to take a look at myself and do some work on me, I started attracting people into my life that are loving, nurturing, smart, caring, funny, and I so appreciate them because they, too, are mirroring back to me the things I like about me. Oh, I still get plenty of opportunities to trip over my stuff and see something new that I can change, but now I have so many helpers - men and women who will lend me a helping hand and witness my growth. Maybe I can actually be Mrs Right and attract my Mr Right - only this time, it will be real - not a fantasy. He will be real and I will be real and we can be real together - REALLY!

DD#47; Surrender

2010-03-10T14:01:00.000-08:00

For me, surrender always meant giving up, submitting. It was a negative word carrying with it all of the negative feelings of failure and I'd had plenty of failures in my life, so I never wanted to add more. Since I've been in recovery in a 12 step program, I've come to understand surrender in very different terms. It represents a feeling of peace and serenity now.

I was trapped in my mind for so many years - my mind was my master - pushed by ego into constant rumination and circular thinking. Sometimes self-talk worked to break the cycle, but not always. I tried meditation, and hypnosis, among other forms of relaxation therapy, but was rarely able to quiet my mind. It was always busy, busy, busy exhausting me with sleepless nights and unproductive days, caught in the web of my own thinking, struggling like a spider's victim trying to escape but getting pulled in deeper and deeper.

Have you ever had one of those Chinese finger cuffs you get at the fair or a carnival booth? They're woven bamboo and you put an index finger in each end. It's deceptively simple and so much fun until you try to pull your fingers out and realize they're stuck. The harder you pull, the tighter the weave on the bamboo and the stronger their hold on your fingers. The only way you can remove your fingers is to gently push them in a little deeper, which opens the weave enough to free you from the grip. I spent my life pulling harder and harder as the cuff tightened around me, never knowing that gently pushing a little deeper into my stuff to free myself was a form of surrender.

Someone wise said that surrendering is an act of faith from an untrusting person who knows that it will make a difference. Like learning how to release the finger cuffs, I've learned to trust that I can ask the Universe to help me surrender beyond my own mind. I can surrender those obsessive thoughts, I can surrender my fear or panic, I can surrender my anxiety, I can surrender my anger because I've been willing to risk it and it has worked! Yes! I'm here to tell you that it works for me and it can work for you, too. Surrender all of it to the Universe God/Goddess, whatever you consider to be the Divine Light in your life - you will be amazed at how much freedom you can have when you jump off the merry-go-round and make a stand - stop the spinning and surrender - feel it - isn't it fantastic?

DD#46: She-creature revisited

2010-03-09T07:57:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking more about my she-creature and how I can see her from a new perspective. She's part of me - always will be, so there's no killing her off like some villain in a novel. Besides, there are times when I love to take a look at her and recognize the power she used to have over my life. As I mentioned previously, I spent most of my life inside the cage looking out while she prowled around in control, leaving me to suffer the consequences of her behavior.

As I talked with a friend about the circumstances that bring her quickly to the surface to demand control of my thoughts and actions, she shared her concept of her she-creature. Rather than a fierce tiger, pacing back and forth, snarling and growling to be released, she thinks of her she-creature as a wild horse enclosed in a very large corral - contained, but not constantly rattling the cage to weaken it and be free to consume her.

I really liked that image, so I decided to see my own she-creature in a similar way. She's beautiful, wild, and full of energy. While she wants to be free of the fences, she recognizes the boundaries they represent. She tosses her head, flares her nostrils and lifts her tail as she gallops around releasing energy in a safe enclosure. It's more about boundaries than cages. She represents that wild, edgy part of me that I really appreciate - that I embrace.

It reminds me of when I understood the difference between setting a boundary vs building a brick wall around myself. Of course nobody could scale or break through the brick wall and I was safe, but I was trapped inside, never free to experience life and that's the only reason I'm here - to experience life in all of its flavors. Setting a boundary for myself so I could set them for others meant I could feel free to grow and expand because, unlike brick walls, boundaries are fences - I can see beyond them and others can see me through them.

My old she-creature tiger in a cage could never be calmed, I had to worry fearfully that she might escape and lock me in the cage again. She always wanted me to be in the cage where I was helpless to defend myself against her will. It was a life of either/or - black or white, all or nothing.

My she-creature wild horse is enclosed for our safety. I can care for her, nourish her, keep her safe from predators and the elements. Inside her fence, when she's feeling jumpy, skittish, over excited, or irritated, I can soothe her with soft words, sweet songs, a gentle touch - and we can respect each other.

She understands this but at times needs to chafe at her boundaries - wanting to feel the freedom of thinking she could run until she drops without ever worrying about anything in her way - no obstacles. What she doesn't know is that she can never really do that - there are obstacles everywhere. It's my job as her caretaker to understand this for her and maintain the boundary for our safety. She can see me and I can see her and we're both safe...

DD#45: She-creature

2010-03-06T17:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not feeling very creative today - I'm having a hard time letting go of my love addict. She wants to take control of my budding relationship with a wonderful man. She wants to feel disappointed because she had certain expectations and they haven't been met (I know (I KNOW) better, but she still doesn't). It isn't a big thing, it's small, but she's quick to anger.

I wonder whether I can ever completely detach from that addictive part of myself and just be free. I believe that she's always in there, pacing back and forth in her cage, lurking around waiting for an opportunity to jump out and control my thoughts and actions. Oh, the lurking and jumping are not nearly as strong as they used to be. I know how much progress I've made, but sometimes the power of my reaction over what my intellect tells me should be a small thing, surprises me. I've learned to recognize that she-creature inside me, she dwells alongside Maudie the Critic, Angry Alice, and 'Fraidy Female - some of the darker facets of my personality where she prowls. She's ravenous when she senses fear, anger, guilt or shame - gorging herself on my peace and self-worth. She's a demanding dominatrix when she feels in control.

I think back to how much of my life has been a reversal of roles - I've lived trapped inside the cage where she belongs.

These days I feel more like she's in the cage and I am free to grow and expand in safety. Now her attempts to control me are less threatening growls and snarls. She's fierce, but she's also old and cranky - not as strong and agile as when she could whip me into submission and keep me trapped in my darkness. Ahhh, freedom - it feels so ---- well, free!

DD#44; Techconnections

2010-03-05T15:13:00.000-08:00

I'm having problems with internet connection because they're working on the cable in my neighborhood. I hate the technical disconnect! I've grown so used to instant connectivity and am spoiled. I'm impatient to begin with and this tries me even more!

Back when I'm thoroughly, predictably, constantly, instantly connected...

DD#43: Honesty

2010-03-03T10:32:00.000-08:00

Last night I sat on the edge of my bed in the midst of my nightly rituals and realized that my day had spun past without blogging. My initial reaction was to run to my computer and make a half-hearted attempt to throw something online to relieve my conscience, then I thought what a lie that would be. Since my goal is to maintain honesty with myself and others, I knew that wasn't the best option. The better choice was to realize that it was OK to skip the day and make certain I blogged today, when my heart was in it.

What is honesty? Is there a difference between honesty and truth? I think there is. For me, truth is factual - from our intellect - it can be confirmed by the facts, but doesn't necessarily include ALL of the facts. Therefore, the truth can actually include lying by omission or even be colored by personal interpretation of the facts. Honesty is inspired by connecting to the Divine - in our hearts - what lies deeper than the truth. It is heart-centered and expressed from the place within us that recognizes when we are speaking or thinking with the wisdom of our soul.

Honesty requires courage, but gives us the opportunity to apologize or make amends when necessary. Honesty frees us from guilt or shame - there's no need to push down honesty - it flows freely through us and with the appropriate follow-up action it clears us, freeing up space for life energy to ebb and flow without accumulating more of our "stuff".

As I'm honest with myself, I can be honest with others, too. Clearing out the stuck "stuff" is quite exhilarating and I recommend it - go ahead, start now. Think about something that you wish you would have done differently and what you would change. If you're honest with yourself, you'll see your part in what happened and can then clear out some of your "stuff" to make space for light and love to enter and help make your divine shine visible to yourself and others...

DD#42: Dream to Reality

2010-03-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a fabulous time: friends, music, dancing, new love = WOWSER! I'm Happy, Happy, Happy! Yippee, Skippee! I want this feeling every day, all the time. I'm experiencing "Complementary Energy" at its peak!

Thank you to the Universe for lighting the way for me to move from dreams to reality. It's happening...

DD#41: The Moon

2010-02-28T10:43:00.000-08:00

I've always been fascinated by the full moon - La Luna - she represents our feminine aspect. It was beautiful in the clear sky last night and will be again tonight. I feel cheated when it's lost in the clouds and I can't see it clearly.

I remember riding in our car as a child and watching the moon out the window, thrilled by how it followed us no matter what turn we made. It had chosen to shine on me and I felt connected to it. The moon loved me and watched over me, protective, smiling, always there, even when it wasn't full.

Last fall on the night the moon was closest to earth, I was taking my Grandson home after he'd spent the weekend with me. The full moon was sitting on the horizon huge, orange and so close we felt its hypnotic power over us. No pale two dimensional photo, it was alive and we wanted to reach into it. Climbing through the foothills I knew if I steered directly toward this beautiful orb it would enfold us.

It has always had a deep, profound effect on me - pulling me towards it like the ebb and flow of the tides it controls. Sitting in my hot tub with the gentle light of a full moon caressing me and softening everything around me makes me feel safe and nurtured. Unlike the sun's burning hot rays, from which I need to protect myself, the moon's light guides me gently through the shadows of the night, lovingly lighting my way.

DD#40: Little Boxes

2010-02-27T11:33:00.000-08:00

Every time I wrestled with an old belief or problem to a point of feeling a sense of resolution, I thought I could put it in a box, wrap it with a note saying "DONE/FINISHED/OVER/ENDED/FINAL" and put it on a shelf. I dusted myself off and moved forward freed from ever having to address that issue again.

I've dealt with a litany of issues: mommy issues, daddy issues, sibling issues, love issues, hate issues, forgiveness issues, resentment issues, man issues, health issues, weight issues, work issues; food issues - I've used up plenty of tissues dealing with my issues. But I'm an imperfect human living in an imperfect world, so I was bound to bump into a situation that brought my shelf of neatly wrapped boxes tumbling down around me - UNFINISHED - again.

I have sporadically kept a journal for many years and one day when I was cleaning my bedroom, I discovered an old journal dated 5-6 years earlier. Thinking I'd chuckle looking back at how little I knew then, I sat down to read some of the entries and was dismayed to see that I'd written about the very same stuff I was still dealing with! What kind of progress is that anyway? I felt awful - like I was stuck in a time warp destined to repeat my painful choices without ever seeing the results of changes I'd manifested in my life. I was so distraught that I tore up the old journal pages determined to never be reminded of how little I had changed despite all of my efforts to grow spiritually and emotionally.

As I continue to ask the Universe to show me results from my willingness to shine a light on the many obstacles that hide me from my Sacred Self, the Universe says "Yes!" and I get an opportunity to see what I want to change. As long as I keep asking, and stay conscious of my feelings and actions, I can open each box carefully and examine the contents with a new perspective. Oh, there's that piece from when I thought I was being a good friend, but the truth is that I was simply terrified of being rejected. I didn't give freely, with an open heart. I gave with a fearful expectation of a return - that they would like me and need me and never leave me. Right - I didn't know how to be an honest friend who loved herself enough to know that she didn't have to earn the right to be here by working harder, giving more, and being the most agreeable person ever, just to be accepted. Yes, I remembered that and continued to learn more and practice being honest and authentic.

Now I'm happy it's not DONE - I get to improve it every time I'm in a situation that encourages me to be real. Over time my separate little boxes have merged into a larger, more profound blend of lots of little facets of me representing the wholeness of me - who I AM, why I AM here, and how I AM gratefully living my life connected to the Divine in myself and everyone I encounter.

DD#39: Maybe

2010-02-26T12:01:00.000-08:00

It's almost lunch time and I'm hungry, so this will be short and sweet (I know you'll be relieved not to have to wade through a long one:>)).

Today my sister and I had to complete a huge package of paperwork for our mother. She will most likely (90%) not be returning home from the skilled nursing facility where she's currently receiving care. The paperwork is mind numbing and required us to go through all of her files in search several verifying documents necessary to determine her qualification to receive the benefits.

Three things are going on for me: dealing with the amazing level of bureaucracy we live with - there are forms to sign saying we didn't want to file a particular form; the feelings associated with 'invading' Mom's private files; and the awful realization that she's clearly not leaving the nursing home, while in the back of my mind I'm thinking maybe, just maybe she might...

DD#38: The Sun

2010-02-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

It's a beautiful sunny day - finally! We've had so many rainy overcast days that I began to believe the sun was never going to emerge again. I've never been a sun worshiper, my skin is very fair and, as a child and young woman, I suffered through many severe, painful sun burns. (The upshot of this is that I now have to be inspected annually by a dermatologist for skin cancers.)

I wanted to be tan and sought every trick to tanning that I could find: baby oil & iodine, tanning lotions & creams, daily exposure in 5 minute increments - never between 10 and 2, heck, I even tried olive oil and crisco! Oh, and lest I forget, the Coppertone self tanning cream that turned me a bright orange with dark orange elbows, knuckles and knees. I could have posed as an upside down traffic cone! I was determined to make my skin turn brown, but all it did was go from pale pink to dark red and blistered.

At the age of 29 I discovered sun block with PABA and it was a real treat for me to protect my skin and enjoy limited exposure outside. I still covered up and wore a hat, but just being outside in nature was exciting.

Over the years, I've armed myself with increasing levels of SPF coverage and still wear a hat, with very little exposed skin, but have felt safer to venture out on sunny days. Every outing requires me to spray or spread sunblock on any part of my body that risks even a slight possibility of peeking through my garments. I can't just casually run out of the house on a whim. Stepping out the door requires me to be armed with sun block and all of the accouterments I've collected to guard against the punishing rays of the sun.

My preparation sometimes irritates me, but I know it's necessary and I do it. There is an upside to all of this hiding from the sun, however; my skin is still quite youthful for my age - unharmed by years of sun damage.

So even though the sun has been my enemy, I've discovered that it's also my friend. I lived for several years where the mornings were either foggy or slightly overcast and the sun burned through it by about 10 or 12. It was just a way of life, like snow in Minnesota - I was used to it. In Sept 2007 I moved to Folsom, where the sun is like a fiery weapon hurdling UV rays at us with 100 degree summers. No more of the soft, gentle sun shining through the trees, filtered and tolerable. Knowing this, I arrived armed with my sun protection program.

What I wasn't prepared for was the amazing energy I feel when I wake up to sun in the morning. It's like a shot of caffeine - and I'm decaffeinated. When the sun is shining through my bedroom windows, I awake feeling ready to start my day - alert and alive. Quite a change from the slow starting, slow moving, dullness I feel when it's overcast or dark out. The sun became my friend. I love the seasons with the sunlight visible when I arise. My friend the sun is smiling at me. I think of one of the pictures drawn when we're very young, with the house, the tree in the yard and the sun shining big fat rays of yellow down on everything. It's as if I've been given a gift and makes me smile at the sun smiling at me...

DD#37: Venting

2010-02-24T11:13:00.000-08:00

Oh my! Once again, I've let a day pass without blogging! What's up with that? How can I become so distracted that I simply forget something that's important to me? Well, OK, yesterday I was distracted by my anger.

When I'm angry I need to vent - to feel that I can say whatever awful thought I have and remove it from my brain so I can deal with it. It's very important to me - having a witness helps me make it real and sets it free from being trapped in my head where it constantly circles around and around and eats away at my peace of mind. It most certainly destabilizes my balance, and I feel pulled toward old acting out behaviors. I think and act in extremes when I'm angry - I become superlative - no moderation in sight - "always" and "never" are the operative words in my vocabulary. I often say that I feel like I want to hit someone then take a nap, because it also exhausts me.

Now, while I've never hit anyone, I have fine tuned the creative art of venting. It's usually as simple as calling a friend and asking her for 5 minutes to hear my tirade - free of judgment - to just agree with me even if she doesn't. When I stop to take a breath, steam vented, anger subdued, I can see the humor in what made me angry and laugh about my perspective. It has produced a kind of catharsis that is concrete. My venting has given me insight and I can now address whatever it was that I felt angry about and my need to feel angry about it.

Co-operative venting is particularly satisfying. When I call a friend to vent who says she also needs to vent, we become partners in recovery. We can see each other's silliness and laugh. The real value of venting is not in the harsh words I need to convey loudly in colorful language - the benefit of venting is the laughter. As I hear myself I begin laughing and it is healing. We can laugh at ourselves and at each other. What a gift. Anger to laughter in 5 minutes. Why haven't they written volumes on this? (Maybe they have and I just haven't looked for them?) In life (my ongoing learning) I am presented with the gift of hearing and seeing myself - and oh, what a vision that is when I'm banging on my high chair tray because, once again, I didn't get my way...

DD#36: Ready...

2010-02-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

Here's Monday again. This Monday doesn't feel like a "monday", full of irritation that I have to work at my job another day. Feeling depressed and angry that I even need a J-O-B. This Monday feels full of hope - the 1st day of the rest of my life, to use an old cliche'.

I'm excited about a new phase in my life that is taking me closer to supporting my healthy, prosperous life doing what I love. How can anything be better than that? (OK, I can think of some things that are JUST as good like, love, good health, happiness, connecting with others, but this is a life-long dream for me, and feels attainable - for real.) I'm looking forward to sharing this as it unfolds - more will be revealed because this student is ready!

DD#35: Waiting

2010-02-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday and I didn't blog yesterday - not because I didn't remember (which has happened the other times), but because my day was consumed with waiting. I do waiting pretty well up to a point, then it becomes stressful for me to continue to wait. I want action. I want answers. I want results. I want to see the Rule Book. Waiting past my threshold makes me irritable, impatient, angry, restless, and ready to point my finger and blame anyone and everyone who is causing me to wait beyond my tolerance level.

Yesterday my day was pretty well planned out: I intended to visit Mom then do my grocery shopping, arrive home, fix my lunch, and generally do my weekend chores. I arrived at the facility where she has been receiving care for the past 3 weeks at about 11:15, well within my schedule. I walked to her room and the bed was made but she was nowhere in sight so I began searching the hallways knowing that when they get her in her wheelchair she often wanders around finding others to talk to.

As I rounded the corner, just past the nursing station, there she sat - slumped over, legs akimbo, with her left arm dangling over the side of the chair looking like she'd fallen asleep. I approached her and touched her shoulder while asking her if she needed to go back to her room for a nap. She didn't respond, so I spoke a little louder, "Mom, it's Toni. Are you OK?" Still nothing. I was terrified and thought the worst - maybe she'd died out there in the hallway without anyone there to hold her hand and comfort her! I shook her shoulder and spoke to her again and she opened her eyes a crack and mumbled something.

I called a nurse and said I'd never seen her like that before - what was wrong? The nurse tried to rouse her and we got her back to her bed, thinking she was just sleepy. The nurse kept reassuring me that she'd just seen my mom passing the nurses' station about 10 minutes prior to that and that she'd been wandering around the hallways most of the morning. When we got to her bed, the aide, a big strong man, physically lifted my mother out of her wheelchair and placed her on her bed and they began taking her vital signs and continuing to speak loudly to her trying to rouse her from her stupor. She wasn't responding coherently and mumbled infrequently, just fluttering her eyes and drifting off again.

After checking her vital signs a few times to determine that all were well within normal limits, they called 911 to have her transported to the hospital - this was going to require much more than they could provide at the facility. I was in tears and couldn't stop myself from thinking this was the end - that she'd made a decision to depart. Even though it's always a possibility and even more possible given her age (almost 87) and condition there was a part of me that wasn't ready - perhaps would never be ready for her final transition.

As always, the firemen and EMTs that arrived were so gentle and kind and efficient, working as a team to determine her condition so they could take their next action. One took her history from me while the others worked around the close quarters of her bed, trying to get a response from her, calling out her vital signs and generally doing their jobs.

They were going to transport her to the emergency room of the hospital she'd left exactly 3 weeks ago. The one who was taking information from me asked me if I was OK to drive and it hit me that he recognized how emotional I was and was concerned for my safety in the middle of all this smoothly run chaos. I couldn't stop crying but told him I could drive and would meet them there.

When I got in the car, I called my sister, who was in class all day. Thankfully it was close enough to lunch time that they were on their break and she could talk. We're so fortunate to have each other to share the responsibilities and emotions that are associated with this situation. I poured out my fears while reassuring her that I'd call her if she were needed, but to continue her class and let me know when she was on her way home and I'd give her an update.

We arrived at the emergency room at 11:50AM and began the waiting. More history required along with the vital signs and various pokes and prods for lab work. I cried as I watched her react painfully, crying and pulling at her arm to stop the pain from the needle being inserted for her IV. I thought of when my daughter was little and didn't understand and couldn't express in words when she was in pain. Her startled reaction when she felt the sting of the needle for an injection or blood drawn. How horrible it was to watch and want to protect her but knowing that what was being done was necessary. Here was my mother, helpless, not aware of her surroundings - being stuck, and moved, and invaded in so many ways - it broke my heart. Strangers were calling out her name and talking to her and all I wanted to do was tell them to get out and leave her alone.

Her assigned nurse came in with the computer stand and we went through yet another session of history - current meds, medical conditions, past surgeries, allergies and more, more, more, as I worried about whether I had missed anything important. (Let me warn you, learn all you can about your family members. If you accompany anyone without a full knowledge of their medical history there are too many "unknowns", and they'll hesitate to proceed or take many more tests than necessary just to be safe.)

More needle jabs as they needed even more blood for tests. More witnessing of her crying out automatically reacting to the pain even in her semi-conscious state. More waiting. More waiting. More waiting. Finally the ER doctor determined what had caused the episode (a TIA) and what the possible options were, but nothing was resolved until the results of a urine sample were available. More waiting.

I sat by her, holding her hand, talking to her as if we were having a conversation. I reminded her of the time she held my hand the whole 48 hours I was in labor with my daughter. How, with every contraction, I had squeezed her hand so much that it was painful for her to move it for days afterward. How she had said it was absolutely worth the pain because she now had a beautiful granddaughter. Remember, Mom? What a wonderful Grandma you've been to Jenn and how much she loves you. How much happiness you've given your Granddaughters Hallie and Mary Joy. How your Great Grandson, Christopher gives you a hug when he sees you. Remembering all of the good stuff - the happy times that would remind her how loved she is.

More nurses, lab people, pokes, finishing the history, and more waiting, waiting, waiting. Seeing her lying helpless, in pain, and not knowing how to help kept reminding me of how little we control in this crazy world. By this time Mom had begun a series of muscle spasms in her legs and feet that were causing her to arch her back and grimace as she jerked and twisted on the gurney. It was as if she were having a seizure and it was appalling to watch helplessly. They didn't seem concerned that it was due to a medical condition and I wanted to scream at them to do something to relieve her discomfort. Couldn't they see that she wasn't resting, wasn't calm, was probably in pain as she moaned and cried out.

My sister arrived at 5:30. I'd now been here 5 1/2 hours and my tolerance for waiting was nearing its end. When the lab results came back positive for a UTI, the doctor decided to admit her for treatment there. I could stop the sensation of free-falling - I had the sense of a safety net to catch me. A decision had been made and I knew what would happen now - more blood drawn and more waiting.

At 6:15 I watched the lab tech go to another room to get samples after the nurse told him he needed to draw blood before she could start the antibiotic for Mom. I was furious with him for not rushing to my mother. Didn't he know we'd been here since noon! How could he calmly go to another room when his lab work was all that was needed to get the healing antibiotics coursing through my mother. It was like watching someone else cut in line ahead of us and I was way past my patience level and into the blame zone. It was his fault if my mother got worse! The nurse didn't insist strongly enough! Who was to blame for this whole thing anyway? I wanted to take names and kick a---!

Mom began a whining sound and was trying to find her way through all of the wires that connected her to the monitor so she could rub the area around her IV. We saw a dark red streak running up the vein from the IV and called the nurse. She was having a bad reaction to the antibiotic, so it required more consulting with the doctor and, guess what? More needle jabs and more waiting. By now Mom was sporadically able to respond, not always coherently, but she acknowledged the spasms were painful and hurting her back. We waited, and waited. I was hungry (hadn't eaten since breakfast at 8:30AM), tired, and pretty close to hostile by now. My sister was tired, hungry, and patient - how does she do it?

They finally got all of the paperwork done to admit Mom and the young man arrived to transport her to her room. (Here's where I want to insert how loving and gentle the caretakers are in these places. I'm amazed and grateful for their compassionate treatment of their patients.) After she was settled into her bed, the PM nurse came in and said, "Oh, she's here. Are you family?" My sister and I both nodded yes, and then she said the words that put me over the edge. "Good, while you're here I can get some history from you."

I shot a look at my sister and she said, "Why don't you go home so you can eat and get some rest. I'll take it from here." I argued that it was just as much my responsibility as hers and that I'd stick it out until Mom was resting. She reminded me that it didn't take both of us to do what one could do, so leave. She wasn't hungry, she was tired, but was OK with staying and giving yet another history. I knew that if I had to give another history I'd probably be an a-- to the nurse and alienate her. Of course I wanted Mom to get the best possible considerate care, so the last thing I wanted to do was have her nurse pi---ed at me and dislike Mom because of it. I left.

As I walked to my car I looked at my watch and it was 7:25PM and I was completely exhausted. I'd left my house at 11:00AM with all of the best intentions to have a nice Saturday - getting all of the things on my "To Do" list accomplished and then possibly spending some down time watching a good movie after dinner. I had no other plans, but life interrupted and scattered my intentions like litter. I spent the day on an emotional roller coaster because we never know where life will take us. Can we ever prepare for these interruptions? I'm not sure, but I think the best we can do is ride them out like a surfer who's unsure of the wave, but has practiced enough to know his board and what it will do. I've invested the time, energy and practice to know myself at least as well as that surfer knows his board - pretty sure of my assets and my limits. Knowing myself is the only possible preparation for when life interrupts my plans. Like the surfer, it's amazing when I catch a good wave and it's a learning experience when life comes along and wipes me out. While on some level yesterday was a wipe-out, on another much deeper level, it was another good teaching wave...

DD#34: Co-creativity

2010-02-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

I'm here to learn - learn whatever I can, wherever I can, from whomever I can. Some things interest me and I seek voluntarily to learn more, some things I have to learn to live, but the best learning is the gift of a freely offered nugget from someone I respect. Now THAT'S learning for real.

Over the holidays, I met a man with whom I made a fabulous connection. I was "in love" with all of the exciting possibilities from my connection with him. We felt like two sparks of electricity charging each other in a dynamic, energetic connection. Zap! Zing! Zowie! It was love in the nth degree! (Can you tell I was pretty "charged" about "us"?)

Every time we would talk, it was like I'd plugged into an amazing source of energy and I felt expansive, loving, joyful, animated, dynamic, powerful, and amazed that I could feel so alive. I had pretty much resigned myself to living without the thrill of first love ever again.

While that didn't last (and neither did the guy:>)), I considered it an incredible gift from the Universe, letting me know that I was still here, still alive, and still a desirable woman. He was gone, but he left me with such gratitude for what he'd opened in me. So I thanked him and thanked the Universe and moved along with my life.

A few days ago a friend who had witnessed my excitement during this period was reflecting how enlivened she'd felt from just being an observer of these interactions - a vicarious participant in my new love. She wondered why we couldn't feel like that all the time. Why can't we just decide to feel like that every day? Well, at first it sounded like one of those eternal questions about wanting to be happy all the time. But I pondered it and wondered the same thing - why can't I just wake up every morning choosing to feel "in love" with my life?

After a few days of rumination (and a little bit of self-blame about not doing it "right") I spoke about it with my sponsor. She's a wise woman and gives her wisdom with love and compassion and I am so grateful to be the recipient of her gems. I asked her the "why" question and for the first time in my life of wondering about this very issue she gave me an answer that I truly understood. Are you ready? Here it is.

It's about complementary energy. Two individuals are perfectly whole in and of themselves and when they meet they create something new. A hydrogen atom is fine alone and an oxygen atom is fine alone, but when they meet they create water - it's chemistry! The chemistry of life. It can create something phenomenal or it can create something unworkable, or it can create something unstable or it can create something stable. It can only happen when two (or more) meet.

I started thinking about each of us as an atom floating around doing just fine - we're doing what we're here to do and life is good. Occasionally we bump into another person (atom) and that meeting creates something new. Sometimes the something new is expansive and sometimes it's diminishing, but it's always different than either one was on its own. Sometimes it's not another person, it's God/Goddess, art, hobby, work, or an idea that we bump into and the complementary energy creates something new. That expression of complementary energy defines co-creativity.

We co-create with others, we co-create with ideas, words, tools, and inspiration. In all of this the Divine is the ultimate Co-creator, bringing the floating atoms into our field, within reach, so we can effortlessly expand and co-create...

DD#33: 4 Letter Words

2010-02-18T10:23:00.000-08:00

Cursing, cussing, whatever you call it, is profanity. I remember when the use of any 4 letter word was considered taboo in polite company and a lady NEVER let one of those words pass her lips. In more formal times, it was considered acceptable for men to use these words freely in the locker room - or any all male domain, I guess - but not in front of ladies and certain other higher status men. (Our proud heritage of a classless society of equality among men conveniently overlooks the fact that those words were mostly written and enforced by men considered to be the cream of society. They were privileged and had wives, slaves and/or servants who were definitely NOT considered equal, but I digress.)

As a child I heard plenty of these words but was admonished if I used one within the hearing of an adult. I secretly used them - was even brave enough to use a couple of them in the company of my peers. We would whisper them and giggle with our hands over our mouths as if to prevent them from passing beyond our little group and into the world where we would be in big trouble for saying them out loud. The very act of speaking them was the beginnings of our rebellion against the rules. We had no idea what some of them even meant, but they were forbidden so we had to use them.

When I started my freshman year at San Jose State University, I had been working since high school to save enough money to help me pay for my expenses and live on the income from a part time job. At 20 I was older and somewhat removed from the typical teen rebellion of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll. I'd had a different kind of rebellion. As soon as I left my parents' oversight and began living on my own several hundred miles from home, I made up for all the time 'lost' while living under the considerable control of my family. I acted out a lot doing crazy things, but always showed up for work and earned my way. I was responsible through and through, but the seeds of rebellion were planted. I tasted plenty of forbidden fruit.

Suddenly at SJSU I was surrounded by young people who were determined to break every 'old' rule and create their own new ones. I embraced my rebellious self and embarked on my long voyage of questioning everything.I was applying the philosophy that rules were just guidelines, some were to be bent, some to be ignored, some to be broken and some to be applied. I selectively decided which ones were mine and which ones weren't.

The old rule of cussing went out the window and I remember the thrill of seeing the shock on some faces the first few times I brazenly spoke the "f" word in mixed company. I felt so elated, so free, so intoxicated that I began using ALL of the 4 letter words I could remember, independently or in inspired groupings of my own creation. Oh, I was the mistress of 4 letter words - alert for looks of disapproval or shock from anyone within hearing range. I loved this new me. No more "f---ing" rules for me! No more "f---ing" good girl image. I was a "f---ing" rebel without a pause spewing obscenities in every direction. I was "f---ing" powerful and "f---ing" invincible - nobody could stop me. Nobody dared - I was a 4 letter force to be reckoned with.

Like anything new, the shine eventually wore off and I began to ease away from the gratuitous use of 4 letter words. They still crept into my language, but had lost their power. Now I simply used them for emphasis - to hammer home my point. They continued to represent my need to rebel against anything or anyone I considered an obstacle to having what I wanted. They became my angry words, my emotional descriptors. I could express myself with them when I didn't have words to define my feelings.

The 4 letter words are quite passe' now - most people use them regularly. I still use them, but they're just another remnant of the old habit of pre-awareness expression - before I could put words to my feelings. As I learn more ways to express what's going on inside me, I can let go of the need to use 4 letter words. I don't release them easily - they still hold power for me and who I am - a rebel charting new paths, whacking down the old growth, on the watch for someone who's offended by how I chop down what obstructs my search for "f---ing" meaning in my life...

DD#32: Sleep

2010-02-17T21:56:00.000-08:00

Another day almost got away from me without blogging, but this time I remembered just as I was settling in to that relaxed, warm place I hope for as I wind down from a busy day. That transitional place that takes me from the full-on energy of my day to the soothing gentle energy that precedes a restful night's sleep. I usually need about an hour so, like an old woman, I toddle off to prepare for sleep allowing ample time to do my night time rituals and slip into drowsiness.

Most of my life I took sleep for granted - one of the lucky ones who fell asleep within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow and sleeping straight through the night. I didn't even move much so when I arose in the morning, the bed was barely mussed. Just a quick toss of the covers and it was made.

Over the past 18 years I have learned to appreciate the rare restful night's sleep. I know the difference now - what it feels like to have delayed sleep, sporadic sleep, insomnia, restless sleep, poor quality sleep. I've experienced too many mornings feeling tired due to lack of sleep - or at least restful sleep.

I remember fondly the years "before" - before sleep became elusive. Before I had to fight to stay awake during a quiet afternoon working at my desk. Before nodding off in front of the TV at night or while reading a good book. There are times when I think maybe tonight will be different and times when I just accept that it is what it is and I'll have to live with it.

Prior to "before" I can't imagine ever thinking that I'd have sleep problems - at least not until I was really old and completely inactive. Actually, I don't consider my poor sleep as a result of being really old and inactive now, but back in those days, I thought the age I am now was old. No wonder my poor body is confused...

DD#31: The Power of Words

2010-02-16T08:43:00.000-08:00

Aarrrgghh another missed day of blogging! I can't believe I did it again. This time I didn't even realize it until I was eating breakfast this morning and thinking about my day. I looked at my notes from yesterday and there it was: Blog! How can I get so distracted by other things in life that it completely slips my mind? I suppose that's why they say it takes 90 days to create a habit - not 30. So this is 90 blogs in 93 days as of today.

I want to beat myself up about it but after my miss on Saturday, thankfully, I've admitted that I'm not perfect so that's not an overwhelming need this time. (Although the Fraud Cops are still hanging around in the shadows waiting for a new situation to occur so they can catch me:>))

But Wait! There's more! The other part of this is that I now have a different recurring thought, "What if I become too relaxed about my commitment? Like a rat chewing its way into a package to get at the food, doubt is nibbling at me. What if, in reality, I'm a lazy, dishonest, flake?"

Doubt creeps into me and disrupts my sense of peace and serenity about my creativity. It smothers the joy I feel about expressing who I am - embracing the courage it takes to reveal myself to others. It makes me wonder if, in revealing myself, I have simply exposed myself as I really am instead of who I want you to think I am. Doubt twists and distorts my willingness to be vulnerable and trusting and makes me feel fearful and anxious. Doubt is driven by my ego - when it's all about me. Willingness, vulnerability, and courage are guided by faith when it's all about God/Goddess. How interesting that even the verbs used to describe the actions illuminate the nature of each: doubt is driven and faith is guided.

For me, this is part of the beauty of blogging. It's a way of learning about where my head goes so I can get out my tool kit and continue my internal remodeling project. My writing flows through me from my higher self and puts words to formless ideas and notions that float around as vague unidentified feelings. Now there are words and with words comes a clearer view of what's happening. My head now knows what my gut has known all along. With words comes the opportunity to create a new vocabulary - my internal dictionary can now expand with new meanings and language. The power of words has always fascinated me and I'm grateful that, like a 3 year old who's encouraged to used their words instead of their fists, I can stop flailing around at shadows and use my words to shed light on them. Let the power of words continue to guide me faithfully to being the person I came here to be - my I AM.

DD#30: The Fraud Cops

2010-02-14T12:31:00.000-08:00

I was lying awake in bed last night and it struck me that I hadn't blogged on Saturday! My first urge was to get up and at least write a few lines, but it was about 2:00AM and therefore, Sunday . And more important, it felt like I was doing something dishonest just so nobody would know that I hadn't been perfect. Another episode of an old tape about living in fear of getting caught by the "Fraud Cops".

Much of my life has been spent in fear of someone recognizing me as a fraud - a phony who's just pretending to be a responsible adult, but is really just a frightened five year old. Fortunately, that happens less and less due to my commitment to live consciously aware of my thoughts, beliefs, and actions - to be fully present - me - here and now. Most of the time that's where I live, but there are some surprise attacks every once in awhile when I'm caught off-guard and ambushed by a dusty, out of date, unproductive, negative thought stemming from an old belief that may not even be mine. Something I learned from someone long ago and not even part of my own personal experience.

I remain vigilant for the "Fraud Cops". My truth is that as long as I continue to recognize the beliefs and behaviors that are obstacles to my personal growth, I will be given the opportunity to change them. And that's fine with me...

DD#29: Small Stuff

2010-02-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

It's Friday - again! I've had a whole week full of gifts. New people, compliments, validations, connections with old friends and family, love, appreciation - a beautiful life in every respect including all of the ups and downs. Interesting how even the downs are manageable now. My gratitude is bubbling up in me like a smile that you feel coming on because you're just so happy that even the small stuff gives you joy. Speaking of small stuff, it's in the small stuff of my day that I find profound joy - the little miracles that add sparkle to my life. Like wearing something my favorite color of green or blue and seeing the color reflected in my eyes. Joy.

Last night about 8:30 after I returned from my meeting I walked to the mail box to check my mail. As I reached into the space I felt a package - a plump 5 x 7 envelope lined with bubble wrap. I squeezed it wondering what was inside and who had sent it to me. When I reached the street light near my house I checked the return address and saw that it was from a dear friend. I'd just seen her at the meeting and she hadn't said anything about sending me a package. My curiosity ran away with me as I felt the squishy package - what could she be sending me that she couldn't just hand to me when we saw each other? It wasn't my birthday, or any other gift-giving holiday - what, what, what was in the package?

I sat at my desk and reached for my scissors to cut the package open, but kept turning it over in my hands worried about where to cut it so it didn't damage the contents. I finally held my breath and made a very (VERY) narrow cut along the sealed edge, just wide enough to create an opening. Inside was a folded square of fluffy pink material tied with a beautiful vanilla satin ribbon. What was this? Maybe a pair of slippers or socks? Maybe a cute winter hat or scarf?

Tucked inside the ribbon was a silver edged note card with a picture of a dove carrying an olive branch over the caption "peace". Inside was a lovely note from my friend thanking me for something I'd given her. I was so moved by her words - short and sweet expressions of how the gift was having such a positive influence on her and how inspiring it was.

I was smiling as I untied the ribbon and unfolded the soft, fluffy pink material, noting that it couldn't be slippers, socks, or a hat. It was folded around a small, pink organdy gift bag. I opened the bag and tipped the contents into my hand. There rested the most gorgeous pair of earrings in my favorite color of green. The glass beads were shiny and smooth and I couldn't wait to try them on.

But there was something more important to do before I tried them on. I dialed her number and shared my joy with her. How much the gift meant to me, how I couldn't wait to wear the earrings she'd made, how deeply I appreciated the time and love that went into her design and how delighted that she'd thought of me and known my favorite color by simply observing me, not needing to ask.

She was so happy that she'd made me happy and that I'd shared it with her. These are the true expressions of love and appreciation. Small miracles of connection that bring me joy...

DD#28: Wisdom

2010-02-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

Today makes 4 weeks of Daily Discipline Blogging - almost half way to my 90 day commitment. I've really enjoyed the flow of writing. It's like getting a mystery box full of gift-wrapped packages, I never know what will show up, but I'm excited to unwrap the next one.

My mind has been occupied with assessing options for decisions about my finances. This is quite embarrassing to me because I earned huge amounts of money at my last corporate job but got laid off there in 2003. Since (OMG! it's been 7 years!!!) then I've been financially challenged. A few attempts at starting and earning my living being in business for myself taught me that I'm much better at selling other people or things than I am at selling my own skills.

In retrospect I've also made some poor financial decisions. We can't see into the future and know the outcome of our choices, we can only choose and pray for things to work out well for us. One of the promises of the 12 step program I work is "we shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" and I remember a wonderful mentor of mine who shared these words of wisdom when I was busy berating myself for a mistake I'd made, "Do not judge your past behavior by what you know today." Who can know what the future holds?

Remembering those profound words and that promise keep my harsh inner critic quiet. I need only tell her (I'll call her Maudie because she sounds like a Maudie to me), "Maudie, thank you for reminding me of what I don't want in my life - now let's focus on what I DO want." Maudie is calmed by those words of gratitude for her and relaxes, thereby letting me create a change in the pattern of an old behavior that has haunted me since I can remember, causing many dismal days - even weeks, months, years. She's much more manageable than when I first started speaking up, which proves to me that, with intention, connection to HP, and practice, I can create incredible changes in me and my life. I am grateful - every day...

DD#28: Finding Options

2010-02-10T12:03:00.000-08:00

The Universe is creating options for me - always. So much of my life has felt like I didn't have many options - there was one, maybe two to choose from, or worse, none - the "skin of your teeth" version of "just get through it the best you can" scenario where you have no clue that there might be a variety of choices available. We don't know what we don't know.

How do I find out about all of these options? Well, I ask HP for hints, and I have a veritable gold mine of highly creative friends and family rich with options I hadn't thought of in my little cocoon of "I must do it by myself". I've learned how to ask for help and it's amazing how much simpler (and more fun) my life has become. I only have to ask. When I hear myself talking about what's troubling me, it gives me permission to hear another perspective and - Voila! - options! And they're from people I love and trust - how great is that?!?

When we don't know what we don't know, there's always help available to get us through the illusion that we have all the answers and must do everything alone. I'm banishing ALONE!

DD#27: From Dream to Plan

2010-02-09T12:05:00.000-08:00

I just "got it"! The secret to how successful people manifest what they want in their lives. They change the language and beliefs from the "Dream" category and into the "Plan" category. Just changing my language has been enlightening. Instead of thinking about all of the reasons I can't have what I want I ask "how can I have what I want?" It's that simple. Nothing new, I've used it plenty of times, but it feels new in this particular circumstance that I'm in right now.

My "dream life" has always felt unattainable - it's just a dream. When I think of it as possible I can ask the Universe/God/Goddess to help me with a Plan - the "How". Now my plan can't contain foolish objectives - it has to be real for who I am now and not who I used to be - a 40 year old with a fear-driven ambitious drive and plenty of energy (or at least willing to push myself beyond exhaustion). I'm now 60+ with NO desire to push myself fueled by fear. So I'm not putting anything on my plan that smacks of unrealistic magical thinking like: get a part-time job to supplement my income, go back to a sales career where I work 80-100 hours/week, win the lottery, wish it, receive a large inheritance from a distant relative I didn't even know - you get me, the stuff that ain't gonna happen.

Instead I'm writing about what's important to me in this final third of my life. What does it look like? Who's with me? Where am I? What am I doing? How am I supporting myself? What's my source? (OK, I know that one - HP.)

I once took a seminar about how ordinary people achieve extraordinary things in their lives. It takes three components: vision, heart, and action. (See it, feel it, do it.) All three are necessary, so don't think just because you have one or two of these characteristics that you can succeed - that's magical thinking.

Over the next couple of days I'm going to create my vision, then consult my HP for a plan of action, and put my heart into it - really feel it, see it and make it happen. What's "it"? More will be revealed I'm sure...

DD#26; Being Right or Happy?

2010-02-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

My day has been busy with phone calls and catch-up work. I had 3 items to follow up on today. After all my years of experience I am still occasionally surprised at how much time making a few business related phone calls can take. Call number 1 is an erroneous $15.85 charge on my phone bill. Here's how my typical day goes with 'only' 3 personal business phone calls to clear the paperwork off my desk.

I get everything assembled on my desk (I'm very organized, you know) - papers I need to follow up on, notepad, pen, and water or coffee by my side. My questions are pretty simple, this won't take much time at all, I tell myself, knowing all the while that for the 3 phone calls I need to make I will probably dial several different numbers several times and STILL not get things settled. But I'm going into this with a positive attitude that will result in a positive outcome, right?

First number on my list of 3: dial the call, listen to the menu of options, listen again to make sure I'm selecting the right one for my specific need (or the closest guess because actually none of the options really identifies my topic), make my selection and get a recorded message, so I leave a voice mail hoping someone gets it today.

If someone actually replies today, I usually get a call back while I'm on the line waiting on hold after making my menu selection for another call. Now here's my dilemma: do I lose my place in the queue for this call to take the incoming call or not? I take a chance and decide to let it ring through to my voice mail. OK I'm still in the cycle of call 2 and waiting after 20 minutes - do I keep holding or quit this call and try call 1 again? At 40 minutes on hold, I decide to cut my losses and try another time when the lines aren't so busy. ( when? at midnight? at 3AM? Not likely since their business hours are M-F 8 - 5 Central Time.)

I check my voice mail and dial call 1again. I listen to the menu of options, listen again to make sure I'm selecting the right one for my specific need. With my option selected, I wait on hold for several minutes listening to lousy music, as I count the number of interruptions asking me to continue to hold as my call will be answered in the order in which it was received. Finally, someone answers!

"Hello, this is Alice. How may I help you?""

Me: "What was your name again please?" (I'm getting this in case I need verification of my call - I'm so smart!)

"Alice."

Me: "Thank you Alice. OK, here's what I need ..."

After numerous questions:

Alice: "Sorry, I can't help, let me transfer you to the department that handles that."

Me: "OK, thank you again for your help." (I stay very polite because a) this call may be monitored for customer service training and I don't want to be the "worst customer" example they use for training how to deal with crazies, and b) if I'm not nice they may just cut me off "accidentally" and I'll need to go through all of this again.)

I listen to dead silence for several minutes with my fingers crossed, chanting my mantra "hope, hope, hope". In the middle of my chant a dial tone buzzes in my ear with the mechanical message, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial again." Disconnected! And I was NICE! But like the commander at an old fort surrounded by the enemy who's sending runners out with pleas for help from a neighboring ally, this is only the first attempt and I'm still optimistic that this will go well, if only I can get through to the right person.

Right! I dial the number I have for call 1 again and go through all of the same stuff as before but now I'm even more confused because I don't know which menu option applies to the department I was being transferred to, so I select the same option which I know is wrong, but I'm in a tight spot here and I've cycled through the entire menu 3 times. I go through the whole story again with "Charles" whose department still can't solve my problem so he'll transfer me,etc.

Me: "Wait! - before you transfer me, please give me a direct dial number for the person who can help me." (I'm finally catching on!)

I am connected to the next department which also can't help me and will happily transfer me to yet another department that can surely help me. This goes on several times and I still don't have a complete answer to my question about how the charge got there, but they'll credit me the amount in question because I'm such a good customer.

During these calls I take copious notes including the names of the several employees I've reached. I just know I'll need to refer to them on future calls after I get my next statement and the correction doesn't show up. I take the papers I wanted to clear off my desk and put them in the ever growing "pending" stack (still on my desk in plain view howling at me like a hungry cat that never lets up) and make a note in my calendar to follow up if I don't receive the proper correction on next month's statement.

My morning is shot, it's time for lunch, I'm frustrated, I have even more paperwork on my desk and more notes in my calendar to follow up on. Another non-productive morning and I'm ready for a nap. I have to rest up because calls #2 and 3 have entered the "undone" zone. I'm convinced this is how, a few pennies at a time, the large corporations rake in MILLIONS of dollars from their customers who finally wear out and give up and pay the darned $15.85 - but I'm too cheap to do that so I continue to waste untold hours of my time (which is obviously worth about 3 cents an hour for all of the work I do) to correct an error. Sometimes it is more important to be right so I CAN be happy...

DD#25: Thoughts...

2010-02-07T15:44:00.000-08:00

I want to feel light and happy - all the time. Is that unreasonable? I've been told that we attract to us what we think and on some level I believe it. Our thinking influences everything in our lives - like Henry Ford said, "Whether you think you can or think you can't you're probably right." That's why I want to think happy thoughts and positive thoughts and banish the darker, sadder thoughts - those "what ifs" that plague me when I'm feeling a little low.

I begin to feel afraid that really bad things will happen to me if I don't straighten up and think happy thoughts. It reminds me of when my mom used to tell me to stop crying. It was like if I stopped crying whatever I was crying about would stop, too. How crazy is that? I just realized that's how I feel when I'm thinking darker stuff - like if I stop thinking or feeling it, whatever is causing it will disappear and I'll feel happy again.

I'm confused about this and rambling, but it's bubbling up in my head and I wonder where it's taking me - to happy thoughts, sad thoughts, worried thoughts, loving thoughts, this thinking stuff has me in a quandary. I need to change my thinking, but I'm not sure it's possible to attain perpetual happiness and still be real. It's how I know that to be human is to have a full range of feelings and thoughts that take us in every direction, not just a one way street with no signs, cross streets, detours, or alternate routes. Gotta take the bad with the good...

DD#24: Hanging out

2010-02-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

It's a rainy Saturday and I have the golden opportunity to hang around in my jammies all day and do whatever I want to do (or not do). What a gift! I'm looking forward to a day of doing a whole lotta nothin' and enjoying every single minute of my leisure. I promised myself not to feel any guilt - nope, I won't waste a single second of it:>)) Hope you make your day fabulous, too - see ya tomorrow...

DD#23: Yin & Yang

2010-02-05T14:33:00.000-08:00

Intro: In 2009 I saw a very funny musical - Avenue Q. It was a laugh out loud kind of funny - funny songs, funny dialogue, funny Muppet-like characters being visibly operated by actors on stage. (It's always amazing to me that even though I can see a person whose hand is making the motion and speaking, my attention is still focused on the puppet!) Anyway, one of the characters is a recent History major graduate who has moved to NYC to make his fortune and he's broke. During a down moment, he sings "It Sucks to be Me". The lyrics were funny and yet so descriptive of the mood he was in and, of course, I could relate to the times I've been there, too.

#####

On the 2nd Wednesday each month I facilitate a fantastic group of women - my Miracle Makers Group. I love doing this work so much that it actually energizes me. I'm so uplifted by the time they depart, it takes me quite awhile settle down enough to sleep.

At our January meeting I shared my excitement over how I am feeling at this time in my life. I feel on the edge of a precipice, ready to jump out into the air and fly - to soar - to accomplish something I never dreamed I could do. It's so powerful in me, it's like a premonition for the direction I'm taking. Something HUGE is happening and I'm enlivened by the anticipation of doing what I need to do to welcome it into my life. I expressed that for the first time - ever - its great to be me!

My women friends took turns visualizing wonderful support for my expectation of great things on my horizon. One friend had an image - a vision - that created an incredible vibration in my whole body/mind/spirit and I use it often as a reference point when I get distracted - it brings me back to why I'm here. I'm going to share it with you because I want to see it in print, too.

She saw me standing on a high bluff overlooking the ocean. I was wearing a very feminine, soft, sheer, light dress that was shifting with the breeze and I was surrounded by light. As she looked deeper into the vision she saw that I was directing the ocean below me.

I was stunned and my body was vibrating so rapidly that I was literally shaking with excitement. How could she know that she had seen through my outward expression of me and into my inner realms?

I have always felt I had a well developed masculine aspect - it was a defense against ever being a victim again. I have been very successful in business by applying this aggressive Mars energy. I covered my fear with anger, driven to compete for everything. Needing to be the "best" at whatever I tried because I didn't think I had any value unless I worked harder, did better, and beat everyone in life.

I've always had some small piece of me that was safe to express as a woman, but I considered it a very small part of my essence. I thought feminine meant weak, clingy, submissive, and dependent. I would never allow myself to be something so pitiful. It would place me in the unsafe position of being victimized. I resented women I thought of as feminine because it seemed they always got what they wanted through manipulation - they didn't have to work for it like I did.

What I've learned over the last year is that there is much strength in feminine softness. There is a resiliency that is remarkable in its power. I can use my voice without a shout or bravado, I don't have to confront anyone to stand up for myself. Misunderstandings don't have to be fueled by anger - communication, asking for what I want or need can be a gentle way using my voice. I've never felt stronger than I do now as I find my power in my feminine - my beauty inside and out and my surrender to that Divine aspect that connects us all. Fear fades and love emerges - it's GREAT to be me...

DD#22: PNP

2010-02-04T14:43:00.000-08:00

Progress not perfection. Those are the words of wisdom that give me a chance to make mistakes and learn from them and move on. That nurturing phrase releases me from my well developed inner critic who says "if you can't do it perfectly, don't do it at all" or "why did you do (say)that you idiot" - that voice in my head that tells me I'm not enough.

I've written about the fine line that's created by my all or nothing thinking - it's like walking a tightrope where I'm balanced precariously just waiting for a little breeze to send me into the free-fall of my reaction mode. I've been working on the difference between reacting and responding and am always guaranteed another opportunity to practice my newly developed skill. Reactions are fear-based - from my intellect - ego driven. Responses are faith-based - from my heart - my spiritual connection.

Every time I encounter an occasion to practice responding I can take a breath and remember that in my recovery I strengthen my spiritual connection with love. Progress not perfection widens my path of recovery - it removes me from the tightrope and gives me so much more latitude to take small diversions to explore amazing new areas of my life where I can mistakes, laugh, learn and move on and that lets me get better at other things. More will be revealed and I can't wait! Oh, wait - that was a reaction, my response to this wider path is GRATITUDE...

DD#21: Habits

2010-02-03T14:00:00.000-08:00

Wow! I'm at the 3 week mark. Blogging is on its way to becoming a habit. Speaking of habits, I was wondering whether it takes longer to make a habit or break a habit. My thinking is that it probably depends upon how long I've been living with the habit and how much of my life is impacted by the habit. Sometimes habit is another word for addiction. Breaking a habit or an addiction used to give me the opportunity to do some swappin'. What will I get if I give up that? I was pretty short sighted, seeking immediate gratification - something tangible. My short sightedness translated into a reluctance to be motivated by intrinsic reward - I tended to fall into the extrinsic, quick trade-off. I was looking at the bird in the hand vs two in the bush and grabbing for the one I could see and feel right now. Never mind the promises of what I'd get if I just trust...

A perfect example is when I decided to quit smoking. I'd been totally dependent on cigarettes for years. The only time I refrained from smoking during my adult life was from the day I found out I was pregnant until my daughter was 9 months old. I returned to university to finish my bachelor's. A person can't study without a constant stream of snacks and cigarettes, can they? I subjected my daughter to second hand smoke until she was 6 years old. My husband and I both smoked at home, in the car - everywhere. The only time she was free of the smoke was while at school or visiting her grandparents (both reformed smokers).

The summer she was 6 my ex and I decided to quit smoking. It was his idea and I joined him to be supportive. After a week, he 'sacrificed' himself and lit up again while encouraging me to continue my no smoking campaign. He promised not to smoke around me or my daughter, so I agreed. Now I was in this completely alone because at work 3 of the 4 people in my office smoked at their desks. I used to be one of them, but now I was a traitorous non-smoker that had to suffer in silence.

In order to stay the course I gave myself permission to actively pursue another bad habit to calm my nerves long enough to make it through the rough first few months on my journey to become a non-smoker. I salved my craving for a cigarette by saying "OK" to as much food as I wanted. I could have anything, anytime, as much as I could cram down to satisfy that huge gaping hole left in my life when I gave up smoking. I told myself that I could gain weight because I knew how to diet and take it off as soon as I got past the desire to smoke. Cigarettes were a much worse habit than eating, weren't they?

As soon as I justified my swap, I ate my way up an additional 20 pounds in the first month of my newly designated status as a non-smoker. I quit smoking! I was phenomenal! I could do anything! Ha! Watch me now! I couldn't fit into most of my clothes (I still had some of my "big" clothes left over from the last time I'd dieted my way down a couple of sizes.) and I was miserable, but I wasn't smoking so that meant I made a healthy choice.

Within a couple of months the rubber met the road - I was a non-smoker who was now about 30 pounds heavier added to the already 20 pounds overweight I'd been when I started. See what I mean? It's a trade-off - I let go of the cigarettes and grabbed hold of food in a big way. I'd never done anything with moderation - all on or all off, no middle ground for Toni. There were so many times I agreed to let go of one bad habit only by allowing myself to indulge in another bad habit.

So for today, I'm grateful that I've learned how to let go of a bad habit and not always replace it with one just as harmful. I'm learning to fill those gaping holes left by releasing an addiction - the big, empty spaces where the roots of it twist and wind through my entire life. I'm filling the holes with things that get me in touch with my connection to the Divine Light and that spark of Divinity in each of us.

Is there a bad habit you'd like to release without trading for another? Take a look and see how much of your life would be affected if you let go of one bad habit - just one...

DD#20: Care...

2010-02-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

Last week my mother suffered a mild stroke which left her unable to transfer to and from her wheelchair. After a brief stay at the hospital, she has been admitted to a skilled nursing facility - what we used to refer to as a nursing home. Somehow changing the name didn't change the environment of these places where we can park our aging or sick family members while they recuperate or deteriorate - or worse yet, just wait in a holding pattern in lifeless empty bodies whose souls have already departed. What keeps the body clinging to the earth realm when our souls have moved on?

The sights, sounds and smells of these facilities can be quite unsettling. It's disturbing to hear the shouts and moans of the residents who are disoriented and confused about who and where they are. My first exposure was last September when my mother was there to rehabilitate after a fall. She was coherent then and just needed the physical therapy to bring back her strength so she could return home and manage a minimum of self-care. This time, she's one of the disoriented and confused bed-bound residents and it's a crushing emotional experience to see how fragile and vulnerable she is.

Everything became real watching the extent of my mother's disability. My sister and I were both in tears after signing paperwork where we had to complete the Advance Directive and decide whether, if her condition worsened, we wanted our mother to be fed through a tube or not. Witnessing her condition has made me move into a deeper sense of love for her. It's funny how all the old wounds are quickly forgotten when we fear the loss of a parent. I focus on accepting that she's on her journey and I'm on mine and that we're both held in the loving arms of the Beloved. My gift to her is my care - nurturing, loving support that gives her comfort.

DD#19: Dear Diary...

2010-02-01T10:15:00.001-08:00

I seldom know what will come up for me when I start my writing. Most times it's something kind of floating around me and when I start writing it flows through me onto the screen - it's like magic! I used to write longhand - paper and pen or pencil depending on whether I had decided I wanted a permanent record or a temporary one. Most of my writing was fueled by deep pain or anguish over some person, place, or situation in my life. I never wrote when I was happy or excited - just mournful missives to myself (how's that for great alliteration?) and very private.

Thinking back on my writing history I realized that it all started with my Christmas wish for a Diary. It felt like such a commitment to me and I was ecstatic when I unwrapped it. It was dark green faux leather with gilded scroll work and page edges. Gold letters spelled out "One Year Diary" and I thought how amazing it would be to have a whole year of my life recorded. As I held it in my hands, the weight of it felt substantial and best of all it had a lock and key. As a result of my experiences, trust was a major issue for me and I simply didn't trust anyone. My sense of privacy was always at risk - anyone could hurt me if they knew these very private thoughts. I found a safe place to hide the key before I even wrote in it.

I remember my first entry: January 1st, 1958, then I joyfully recorded the day my sister was born on February 9th and bits and pieces in it over the next several years. It was a one year diary, but my entries were scattered here and there when I'd take the time to write about some boy I was in love with, a friend who'd hurt my feelings, my first kiss - you know, important events.

One day when I was about 25 a care package arrived from my mom and concealed in all of the wrapping paper and other stuff was this treasure trove of memories. The incredible thing was that it was still locked. I'd locked it so it would be safe from all prying eyes - these were my secrets and could ruin my life if someone read them!

Somewhere in the few things I'd carted with me through many moves was the diary key. Divine Guidance (although I didn't know it at the time) sent me directly to the old jewelry box I'd kept and there was the key - the passage through time travel - back to a time before all of the bad choices and unhappiness. Back to the joy I felt when my sister was born and the surprise and thrill I felt with that first love and first kiss.

I felt lighter as I leafed through the pages smiling at how innocent I was. The heaviness of my life lifted and freed me to remember the good times I'd written about in my diary - the things I'd considered important - love, friends, family and the joy they bring. No guilt, no recriminations, no painful choices to regret - just simplicity even in the trauma and complexity of my home life. In those times I was still able to focus on the best parts of my life and write about them. How resilient children and young people are. How much hope I had for all of the wonderful things I had waiting for me out there in the big world. I wanted to have that hope again - that blind faith that life will give us what we want; we only need ask. I wanted to believe in me.

It took me several decades of painful research to believe and have hope again. This time it's not with the innocence of youth, it's with the wisdom of experience and learning from my many mistakes. It's from taking what I learn and making it mine. I'm a flexible and resilient Crone and proud of it...

DD#18:Unplugged or not...

2010-01-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling pretty lazy today. I seem to be stuck in the notion that one of my weekend days should be an "unplugged" day. I cram everything into one of the days so I can stay in my comfy warm house and be Ms. Domestic the other day. Interesting that I've only begun to recognize it over the last few months because it's been a pattern for MANY years. The things you notice when you're committed to being conscious and aware, huh?

So now that I recognize it I must apply my own formula for change: shine a light on it, name it, claim it, take action to change it so my body/mind/spirit connection will incorporate it into my daily life. What small steps can I take today to create a change in this behavior that I have processed to the point of claiming it? Just a small step for today because I'm an imperfect human making progress but far from perfect. Hmmmm, what small step? I can clear out some of the clothes I want to take to the consignment shop for resale. Yep! I think that will do for today.

What can you do just for today to create a positive change in your life? Shine the light on it, name it, claim it, and take action. Are you willing to shine the light on something that's old and no longer serving you? Have courage, take baby steps, and see how wonderful it can feel...

DD#17: A long day

2010-01-30T21:32:00.000-08:00

I finally got to see Avatar 3D at IMAX. I wanted to watch the movie with a man I was seeing - someone I thought might be a good match. We made a deep connection and I had hopes for what we could be as a couple. I re-scheduled seeing it a couple of times because we wanted to see it together - a shared experience to invest in our memory bank for our future. It was a good intention, but he's no longer in my life.

I still wanted to see the movie with someone I love as a shared experience. Today I saw it with people I love very much - my sister and my niece. Both had seen it before but wanted to see it again. My sister is an artist and considered it a "visual feast" to be enjoyed multiple times. I admit that it was a unique movie and I'm glad I saw it with them. They'll be in my heart and life even if I never meet the man who's the best match for me...

DD#16: Mom stuff

2010-01-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful for my friends and family. Everyone has been loving and supportive during this challenging time with my mother's health. I'm grateful every day for the connection I feel with HP, myself, and others, so it's not like this is new for me. The thing that's new is my awareness that so many of my friends have been through this with close family members. They're speaking from their own personal experience - lessons they've learned - wisdom they're generously sharing with me. This is the soft cushion they place under me and my worries - it cradles me in loving arms, strong enough to support my inner turmoil and encourage me to continue to see this through with soft eyes. My friends remind me of who I am and why I'm here in the midst of my forgetfulness when something like this occurs. I'm so inspired to be a better friend...

DD#15: Soft Eyes...

2010-01-28T08:24:00.000-08:00

Even though this would be DD#16, it's DD#15 because I didn't blog yesterday so I guess it'll have to be 90 blogs in 91 days.

Yesterday was consumed with dealing with an aging parent. My mother lives nearby with my sister and two nieces. She's legally blind and uses a wheelchair but so far has been able to transfer from her bed to wheelchair and from wheelchair to bathroom on her own. With a few accommodations, she also sees enough to be able to do small things for herself: microwave prepared food for meals, change her own clothing, take care of her own hygiene, watch her big screen TV, and interact with the family. By doing the work that supported this comfortable, but limited lifestyle, we always thought of these daily tasks as small things which allowed her to be self-sufficient enough not to require skilled nursing so she could continue the sense of independence by living with my sister.

Well, these are NOT small things - they're HUGE things. How do I know this? Because two days ago she had a stroke, fell a couple of times and could no longer transfer to and from her wheelchair. Now we have a BIG problem: Mom has become completely dependent upon someone else to do all of the SMALL tasks she used to perform on her own and is no longer able to live virtually unattended except for the care required to support her independence.

We also noticed increased disorientation, mumbling, and a lack of awareness of the use of her left side, bruises and pain from the falls, and a general inability to function as she had before the stroke/s. None of which portends a sunny outcome.

Let me just say that those of you who have dealt with this situation can attest to the mixed emotions it creates. It's agonizing to witness a failing parent no matter your age. My sister and I have a troubled relationship with our mother. It has been less than we'd like it to be, but we have been dutiful daughters and worked through our old resentments and trauma over our childhood as much as we could. We have provided for her care over the past 15 years of her decline into her current condition. Now it has reached a whole new level of care and we are torn about how to handle it.

Along with my concern for my mother is the blazing heat of my concern for my sister and me. What will we do if there's no assistance for her? How can we pay for her care? What if she lives in this limited capacity for years? What if she passes quickly? How will I feel if I don't do everything possible to make her life comfortable? What would a good daughter do? How would a loving daughter respond?

Fighting among these thoughts is the darker self who says she's already given more than her mother deserved. Why doesn't she just die and relieve us of this horrible responsibility? God! Did I actually think that?!? I'm a horrible person who should be ashamed. She's my mother and she did the best she could! I need to be grateful for everything! The lifelong inner battle over my feelings for my mother has taken on a new intensity.

It has become even more important for me to address these dark thoughts in the light of Divine love. How can I acknowledge the dark thoughts and not let them control me? I can take some of my own lessons and apply them during this challenging time.

I can see my mother with "soft eyes" - from that safer, saner middle ground between the hard edges of love and hate. I can accept that she's in God's hands the same way I am. I can be a model of love and acceptance for my family. I can pray for all of us. I can remember the good things she did for me and forgive and forget the neglect and abuse. I can remember that she truly DID do the best she could and that it was much better than her her parents did for her.

We each have the opportunity to see the events (past and present) in our lives with soft eyes - it's part of how we free ourselves from our old beliefs and fears. It's a good way to create a new paradigm of hope, faith, and trust in the knowledge that we are all connected to the Divine Universe and that we're not in control of anything but our attitude - right now. Just for today I'm choosing to see with soft eyes. Pray for us...

DD#14: The 3 R's

2010-01-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

Yippee! I'm celebrating the 2nd week of blogging daily - I CAN do it! It's amazing to me how much commitment and accountability factor into my ability to follow through with doing what I want to do to get where I want to be. (Does that make sense to you? It does to me.) While I am in the beginning it seems such a huge task, but when I step into my "just for today" perspective, I can break it down to daily tasks that will get me there - one day at a time.

"A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step." Sound familiar? It's the Three "R's": recycle, reuse, re-purpose - everything "new" is recycled ancient wisdom.

DD#13 More with the Expectations!

2010-01-25T10:52:00.001-08:00

Learning every day has its advantages! It occurred to me recently that we don't even know that we have certain expectations about our lives until they're unmet and feel the disappointment, loss, or sadness about not getting what we think we want.

I look at these as gems or nuggets that are discovered while being watchful - aware - searching for them subconsciously as we stroll along on our journey. They're waiting there for us to notice them beneath the layers of denial and avoidance. I'm committed to seeing with new eyes what is waiting and offering me yet another way to stay in touch with my authentic self. Where will this take me? What will I learn? I'm open, completely surrendered to being who I am and living my purposeful life. Deeper, I'm diving deeper every day. Strap on your diving equipment and jump in with me!

DD#12 Keeping the Lesson

2010-01-24T09:44:00.000-08:00

One of my favorites is Will Rogers - his down to earth humor hits home on so many levels. I'm reminded of this quote from him: Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Today I remember that everything I've learned has brought me to this point in my life. I am the culmination of all of my experiences.The most important thing to remember is to keep the lesson and apply it while creating my next new story...

DD#11 - Changing Stories

2010-01-23T12:24:00.000-08:00

I'm learning so much these days! My learning takes place when I'm confronted with my own stuff, therefore I'm presented with the opportunity to change an old story.

My old stories keep me stuck in the pattern of continuing to have the same behavior or belief while expecting a different outcome - the definition of insanity. Along the path of recovery I decided that I was no longer going to be defined by my traumas. I am not broken. I have scars aplenty, but our scars tell us where we've been, they don't define where we're going. My scars are a reminder of all of the experiences I have to draw on - the very wisdom of learning from my mistakes and applying what I learn into my life. When I rewrite a new story based upon who I am now, it frees me up to begin receiving incredible gifts from the Universe.

For example, as a result of putting myself out there in the dating game, I recently came face-to-face with an old story of mine: I can only be with a man who chooses me. I'm not worth enough to freely choose for myself. I've been with many men who chose me, desired me, wanted me, needed me - but didn't ever know me. It's not their fault - I never revealed myself to them because I didn't have a clue who I was either. I lived inside a fortress of denial and self-deprecation - a people-pleasing whore for approval. I would sacrifice anything for their love. The problem with that story is that I was burdened with resentment for them for not knowing what I wanted or who I was. I was looking for answers outside myself about my value as a woman, mother, wife, human being.

I made a conscious choice to change my story when I was faced with the desire to run as fast as I could in the other direction when in the presence of men who mirrored my old story back at me. I knew that updating my story gave me the right to choose who and what I wanted in my life - that I have an amazing life - that bringing a man into my life is not like finding a missing part of me. I'm changing my stories as they're revealed to me. I invite you to look at your life and see what stories you can change - it's totally worth the effort!

DD#10 Short and Sweet - Accountability

2010-01-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

After two days of writing whole chapters of my experience, I'm taking a writer's break by making a brief entry in my blog today. I'm feeling very grateful for a lifetime of tools available to me to work through anything and everything that comes "up" for me. I've been a slave to my many addictions over the years.

Each time I've made a conscious commitment to ridding myself of a specific addiction (and there are many) I've given myself permission to indulge in another addiction. I never thought of it like that but realized recently that immersing myself in a trade-off addiction allowed me to release one that was impeding my progress more obviously. I thought the most challenging was food - nothing could be harder to give up than the foods I couldn't stop eating. Well, it's been nearly two years now and I've developed a healthy lifestyle that includes healthy eating and I'm in a normal size body.

Much to my chagrin, I've discovered another addiction that's just as powerful as food! I got caught up in a pattern of wasting time with a computer game. I was spending more and more time completely absorbed in this darned game - yet another way to anesthetize myself! I made a commitment to my sponsor to close the game and not open it unless I called her first. Done! Finalized! Over! Right? Wrong! I have craved opening that game and playing it much more than I craved the foods I no longer eat! The only thing between me and that darned game is the commitment I made to my sponsor! This is why accountability must be built into anything I want to change in my life.

So what "lesser" addiction can I rely on as I give away the computer game addiction? Well, as it turns out, it's not a "lesser" addiction - it's an amazingly powerful one. I'm practicing an "addiction" to my connection to the Divine and Gratitude for the amazing opportunities open to me to make choices that keep me living my purposeful life. Always remembering that I AM my purpose - it is not something apart from me.

DD#9 Chapter 2 The Rights of a Single Woman

2010-01-21T14:18:00.001-08:00

Meanwhile back at my computer! After the rough start with Man Meet #1, I decided to check out more options on the singles site. OK, let me check on available men closer to home, yep, that would be more convenient - a quick meet for coffee, then dash off to whatever else I had planned for the day - no harm, no foul. I thought maybe I could get this down to a science and when the right man showed up, I'd be a fine-tuned relationship machine - there would be no more mysteries for me about how to be in a strong, loving, healthy relationship. I'd have it down pat. Oh my, the things we can delude ourselves into thinking are endless!

So, after culling through men that were too old, too young, who didn't post their photos, and men whose photos were, shall we say, not appealing to me, what else could go wrong? Oh, and did I mention men that couldn't write a complete sentence or spell the easiest words correctly. (Is this where I mention that my judgmental snob rears her ugly head over errors in the spoken and written language? Remember, I already admitted my obsession with the power of words).

"Am I being too picky?", I asked myself.
"Of course not," I answered. "You want someone who's at least your level of intelligence and education. It's your right to ask for what you want."

I began replying to emails I received from men who were interested in me. They were dropping like flies! Fewer and fewer were qualifying to be in the running for my perfect match. I was disqualifying them based upon how quickly they responded, how interesting their replies were, how expressive their emails were - my head was getting bigger and bigger - after all, I was a real catch! So my list dwindled down to a couple of guys who were local and met my stringent requirements. After all, I have a right to ask for what I want, don't I?

Here was one that seemed appealing: a retired psychologist who's quite the poet with his emails. Hmmm, he sounded interesting. There he stood in his photo with a huge grin on his face (I like smiling faces) and it's a friendly face - so he looked interesting, too.

He emailed me his number and I dialed him with my number blocked, but his phone wouldn't accept blocked calls! OK, now I had a real decision to make. My list had narrowed to two guys and this one seemed more intriguing, so should I call him with out blocking my number so his caller ID would give him not only my number, but my name, too? Be brave, Toni, take a risk - so I called him anyway and he answered the phone saying hello to me by name. That shook me up a little but I regained my composure and started hitting hard with my probing questions after a little small talk to break the ice.

As it turned out I started hitting hard but I didn't have to continue my questionnaire - he completely dominated the conversation. He would ask me a question but before I could answer he would divert the attention to himself and begin another monologue. Don't ask me why, but I agreed to meet for coffee at 11:00 the next day, wondering what had happened to the strong, communicative woman who had the right to ask for what she wanted because what she really wanted was to hang up and delete this guy from her 'possibles' list.

So as I prepared for a meeting the following morning I took extra care with my clothes, makeup, hair, and scent all the while knowing I was to meet a man I didn't even want to meet. I wondered what was up with this attention to detail, but cast it from my mind as I rushed out the door. Like Blanche DuBois, I'd think about it tomorrow.

At 11:00 I arrived at the coffee shop and placed my order. He was nowhere in site, so I decided to check my voicemail. In a moment of weakness I'd given him my cell number just in case there was a problem with either of us on the way to our meeting place. I was hoping I wouldn't regret this because this guy now had my full name and both of my personal phone numbers. If he was a stalker he could easily find out my address, too and I could become a victim of my desire to find my life partner! I cleared my mind of any fears around this and listened to the five (yes 5!!) messages from him within a 20 minute time frame.
Message #1: 10:30 - Problems with starting the car: couldn't make it to the coffee shop. So sorry...
Message #2: 11:00 - No problem - AAA arrived and jumped the battery - he'd be 10-15 minutes late - please don't leave.
Message #3: 11:10 - On his way, should be there in 10-15 minutes.
Message #4: 11:15 - Was only 5-10 minutes away.
Message #5: 11:20 - Was just down the block and hoped I was still waiting.

Exhausted from all of his messages, I quickly checked my home and office numbers in case there was something I need to address quickly. OMG! There were 3 voicemails from him on my home phone, too! Fortunately he didn't have my office number so I had one safe haven from his voice.

I sipped my coffee, read the paper and watched for him to arrive, the whole time wondering why I was waiting. (I suspect it's just my sense of common courtesy - my Mom really pounded that into us.) I saw him drive up and park and emerge from his car. I was stunned - it was another old man! He wasn't dressed like an old man but he moved like an old man and looked like an old man - how old was that photo anyway? And he was only about 5'3" - I'm 5'4" and was wearing high heels, making me about, say 4" taller than he. (I have a real issue about men shorter than I am. My first husband was significantly shorter than I and had a bad case of short-man complex so he was obnoxious and rude and pushy to everyone to compensate for being height challenged. I wasn't ready to take the risk of having another man like that in my life so I avoided short men.)

I took a deep breath and told myself to just relax and ride this one out - hug, hello, no it wasn't a problem to wait a few minutes, etc. He then launched into about a 50 minute monologue about how he was a perfect match for me, complete with prints of his contributions to blogs to prove his politics were similar to mine (something I requested in my profile)and very poetic compliments about my beauty, intelligence, and desirability.

He proceeded to go into great detail about his history - professional and private, and how he would treat me as his partner. He explained everything like I couldn't understand what he was talking about without his elucidation. It all sounded great except for the part about where I never get to make a decision, speak, think for myself, or have an idea of my own. This guy would definitely be the expert in the family - he knew everything, just ask. Oh wait, you didn't even have to ask - he'd tell you anyway. By now there was a metaphorical axe hanging over this guy's head. Giving up my role as family expert would have been nearly impossible, that alone would have disqualified him.

I interrupted him long enough to look at my watch and make a grimace about the time - I had to go back to work - sorry. Yes, it was real nice, ok, maybe we could go to dinner some time - I looked up and to my horror, he was heading towards my mouth for a kiss! I quickly turned my head and he caught my cheek. He actually tried turning my face towards him to score on my lips with the second effort. I pulled away just in time and jogged to my parked car.

There was yet another voicemail waiting for me when I got home telling me how much he enjoyed meeting me. That evening there was a very long email full of poems to me and points about how we were such a great match. The next morning I sent my "Dear John" email - which I had now saved as a draft.

I was beginning to notice a pattern that reminded me of something. I had now met two men who were willing to turn themselves into pretzels just to be with me (their idea of me) and I couldn't get away from them fast enough. What was the pattern that was a smokey feeling in my memory? OMG! I had come face-to-face with my old me! I had an overwhelming feeling of sorrow for how sad I was and an equally overwhelming feeling of forgiveness for every man I'd met who didn't call me back or return my calls. I'd hated them all for leaving me and not loving me enough but now realized that they couldn't love me because I couldn't let them. I was too needy and clingy and traumatized, full of anger and fear. Just being with me was toxic and now I had a feel for what that must have been like. Those poor men! I forgave them and forgave myself for not knowing any better. I'd just been doing what I knew how to do, stubbing my toe and cursing the darkness as I stumbled around hoping to be rescued.

I spent the next couple of days wondering why I hadn't just told him "No!" "No" to the meeting, "no" to my cell phone number, "no" to the monologue, a huge "no" to the attempted kisses. If I had a right to ask for what I want, why did I still act like I couldn't say "NO"?

Daily Discipline #8 Chapter 1 - Getting Started

2010-01-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

This is the story if how I got back into the Dating Game: Redux. In the next few blogs, I'll share my story with you, because, in my experience, whether you're in the dating game, avoiding the dating game, or with your partner, there is always more to learn about how we do relationships. So buckle up your parachutes and get ready for the great leap of faith this requires.

Bright Idea: I'll enter my profile on a singles site. Alright, I've downloaded the photos my sister took in her back yard. Let's see, which of them makes me look the very best? Well, that one makes me look sleepy, and this one shows too much of my wrinkled chin and neck, and this one shows how fat my midriff is, my smile's a little goofy in this one, and, well, I've narrowed it down to three shots that are OK. I sure hope the right guy sees these and thinks I'm really hot!

Now I have to write just the right words in my profile - enough key words to create interest but not THAT kind of message so they won't think I'm too free and easy. How can I convey what I'm looking for in a partner without being too wordy, too quirky, too intellectual, too picky, or sounding sex-starved?

This is going to be tougher than I thought. Because words have such power for me, I have to dedicate lots of time to writing, editing, re-writing, and re-phrasing my message. You'd think I was writing my PhD thesis.

It has to be the real me but not too bold or too weak - me in moderation. (Who am I kidding? I don't even know the meaning of the word moderation!) I feel kind of like Goldilocks looking for the "just right" profile to attract my ideal man. Ahhh, I think I have it, so let's hit "post" and move forward answering all of these meaningless questions. They give you options that are close to what you would choose, but not ideal in my world of exact expression. Oh well, I'll have to settle for the ones that are closest to what I'd say if I could simply write it myself. (I think I now get it - why they give you multiple choice options instead of letting you give your own answer to some of this stuff - not everyone has trouble with defining EXACTLY what they mean, nor do they want to write their own answers. Those are not the men for me.)

So here's the profile I submitted first:
Seeking a man who's honest with himself - has looked inside and been willing to change what he thinks needs changing and love what he knows is genuine. I'm a spiritual woman who believes in a Higher Power and want someone who is the same. You must see the humor in life and be able to laugh. Please be playful and positive. Good conversation is essential - you don't have to be my best girlfriend, but enjoy a good conversation. And, finally - chemistry is important - gotta wanta kiss ya!

Sounds good to me. So after the first few responses where guys were saying "Yep! I sure want kiss you!" I thought maybe I was giving the wrong message. They weren't getting it - I have to want to kiss THEM!

Now comes the waiting game as I watch for emails from interested guys. There were a ton of computer generated matches, and a few flirts and emails from members started coming in. Let the games begin: email exchanges with those who sound (and look) like I'd want to know them better. After a series of email exchanges, they'd ask for my phone number. The one thing I have learned from being in this space in the past, is never to give my phone number to anyone - get their phone number and a good time to call, then block my number on caller ID and dial them. Have a minimum of two probing conversations with them before deciding to meet in a very public place.

Applying my fool proof formula: email exchanges, then a couple of phone conversations before a decision as to whether we should meet for coffee and I'm thinking "OK", this is progressing nicely. I have a few men I'm interested in meeting. One is a few hours out of my area and I inquire how he thinks he can keep a woman living several hours away from him happy in relationship, he bats that back to me with the answer that it's not a problem and he can make it work for the right woman. I agree to meet this pilot who has his own small airplane - only a 45 minute flight from house to house - piece of cake, huh?

He agrees to fly in from NV to meet me and spend an afternoon together. No pressure there - the guy's flying in to meet me and spend time with me! What if we take one look at each other and want to run in the other direction? Well, I'm grown up so I make it clear that this is JUST a meeting and that at any time either of us can say "this isn't working for me" and end it - right? He agrees, but keeps reassuring me that he's confident that we're meant for each other. I, however, am more skeptical - remember, I gotta feel the chemistry before I decide if I even want to know him at all.

D Day arrives - I'm nervous, but feel like I've been clear in my message - both written and verbal. Checking my look before departing: clothes, makeup, hair, and scent. OK, I look pretty good, so I walk out the door to meet him at the small airport about 25 minutes from my house. I'm excited, nervous with anticipation. I pull up in my car as he's tying down the plane and there stands an old man - in old man clothes, and old man shoes, and an old man attitude! Oh no! I want to tell him to untie his plane, start it up and run, but my good manners kick in and this message floats through my brain: Toni, he's only 2 years older than you, give this guy a chance, there may be a real great guy hidden in that old man. I approach him and smile as we walk to my car already certain that I DON'T wanta kiss him.

I get in, he gets in, then he reaches towards me saying "how 'bout that big kiss now?" OMG! I'm paralyzed with shock! He thinks my message means that he's going to get a big kiss from me when we meet. I look at him with dismay and say, "I don't kiss strangers. I have to get to know someone before I kiss him." He patiently reminds me that my profile says "gotta wanta kiss ya". Now I have to go through the explanation about what that means - exactly.

"I have to WANT to kiss YOU. I'll know that in the first few minutes after meeting you. IF I WANT to kiss you, then I'll want to get to know you before I actually plant my lips on yours." Needless to say, we were not off on the best of terms already and I'd only met him 5 minutes ago. I won't bore you with the rest of the details of this dismal date. He flew away, I ran home and added the word "I" to "gotta wanta kiss ya", sent him a "Dear John' email the next morning telling him what a nice time I'd had and too bad we weren't a match and wishing him the best in finding his perfect mate, blah, blah, blah. OK, I'm not disillusioned yet, that's one down - surely HE's right around the corner. Little did I know that I was just getting started...

Daily Discipline Day #7

2010-01-19T07:51:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wandered around in someone else's head trying to determine what they're thinking and how to tell what they say or do REALLY means? For much of my life I spent way too much time doing just that. Trying to tell what people wanted so I could anticipate their every need or have answers ready for them when they finally spoke up - IF they ever spoke up. Wanting to be all things to everyone in my life made me feel needed and therefore valued. It also left me with more questions than answers.

When I realized that this was because I didn't feel valuable or lovable to myself it created a new direction in my life - staying out of other people's heads was how I could BE ME not some distorted interpretation of what I thought others' thought I should be.

Over the past year or so, I felt ready to build a healthy relationship with the right man in my life, so a few months ago I stepped back into the dating game. Let me say that this was a very courageous thing to do! I knew that I could only work on a healthy relationship with a man by letting a man into my life - duh. Some people get that early in life. Then there are those of us who, after numerous poor choices, are still working on it at the ripe old age of 63. I heard someone say it's because some of us have a broken picker - a statement that fit me like a glove.

My request to the Universe was to bring me the appropriate man for me and help me recognize him. (After all, some things don't arrive in the package we're expecting:>)) I've met and dated a few men and seen some of my old self in each one of them. What a learning experience this has been - putting me face-to-face with my old stuff! It's been a marvelous way to find the old clutter hanging out and clean every corner - also to realize when I've fallen back into the old pattern of wandering around in someone else's head - where I definitely don't belong. I'm learning to BE ME and be OK with all of ME a little at a time. The good news is that I don't have to start at square one each time - I get to keep what I've already learned and grow from there. Try it - go ahead, I dare ya!

Daily Discipline Day #6

2010-01-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

Softening around balance in my life is still a challenge at times (though as a sign of my progress, not nearly as often as it used to be). Being on the harder edge of each extreme in my emotions is sometimes still my initial reaction to people and situations - so I'm very grateful to learn how to get to that softer in-between where I have clearer perspective and choices. Life doesn't have to be either/or every time. Learning the difference between when it's necessary to be in my either/or place (important when it comes to boundaries regarding my personal integrity) or move into my softer, safer response and let go of the reaction.
When I dig deeper and move out of denial I often run to the other extreme and a need to immediately fix whatever "it" is - person or situation. It's interesting to learn about the many options available to me when I soften and seek balance. With the light of love held high I am charting the territory between "MUST Deny" and "MUST Fix".

Daily Discipline Day #5

2010-01-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

What's hiding in anger? Anger is such a quick, reactive emotion for me. In my dedication to living my life in conscious awareness - responding to life rather than reacting to it - I've learned to go deeper than the immediate anger that flares up in situations where I feel disappointed. A couple of things I've begun to understand are: the anger covers something older and is usually related to heretofore unidentified expectations. I've begun to allow my anger to burn through to what's hiding inside me.

Recently anger was my first reaction to feeling disappointed because I had expectations about my time with a significant man in my life. When those expectations weren't met, I reacted with anger. It was hot, instant, and completely out of proportion to the situation. Voila! Hidden under the anger was an older feeling of fear that he was abandoning me because I was unlovable. I'm still dismayed by how easily I slip into that most primal of feelings: fear that I'm not worthy of love from myself and others.

It takes me less and less time to move through my initial feelings of anger and into a clearer understanding of what's REALLY going on. Like the rubble in the aftermath of a disaster, I must uncover the truth, one piece at a time. I'm so grateful for the insights I've learned from being willing to go in search of the buried "stuff' in my life. These "truth treasures" are waiting to be revealed if we're willing to dig for them. Be courageous - go on your own personal treasure hunt - priceless gems are awaiting your light...

Daily Discipline Day 4

2010-01-16T10:07:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at my computer with a mix of music from an eclectic assortment of artists that I have enjoyed over the past six decades of my life. It reminds me that I am also eclectic - a multifaceted woman who has a full range of personalities, talents, experiences, and emotions. My music choices represent so many artists from Beethoven to The Boss. Music can calm me or energize me - let's see, do I want to relax or do I want to dance around the house while I'm cleaning? Am I preparing for meditation? Do I want background music while I work? Do I want to feel the energy of AC/DC - raw and wild? Do I feel like the gentle sounds of Nancy Griffith or Emmy Lou Harris?

Sometimes I want to simply hear the music, but more often I want the lyrics and the music. The power of a phrase - the poetry of lyrics stuns me. It's how I know that it's a divine gift to have the genius to create such a powerful message with so few words.

With an open mind my music choices are without limits - just like life choices when I keep an open heart and stay connected to HP! How lucky we are to have so many choices - yes we are lucky beyond measure...

Daily Discipline Day #3

2010-01-15T10:16:00.000-08:00

Yippee! It's Friday! I love Fridays because it's the day before my weekend begins and I love the freedom that weekends give me - even if I have a TON of things to do, it's not the scheduled time sitting at my desk working. I blogged about this "weekend freedom" in an earlier blog last year and here it is again. One of my intentions for 2010 is to clear out any obstacles in the way of earning my living doing what I love.

This is THE day! This 15th of January is the most powerful day to set our intentions and ask the Universe for what we want - and I'm affirming my intentions with an open heart deeply connected to my Divine Light. I invite you to do the same - find your voice and take the risk of asking for what you want...

Daily Discipline - Day 2

2010-01-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

So here I am on Day #2 of my commitment to blog daily for 90 days - creating a new habit.

My women's group last night was phenomenal. We dove deeper into our connection with that basic element of resilient power - dark and light - emerging as one light divinely guided.

It reminded me of a ceremony held by a group of women who follow Native American traditions - Women of the 14th Moon. Being honored as a "Crone" was so special and I wrote this poem as my contribution:

Going to the Well
My Journey takes me to the well - to look over the edge - into the abyss
Beyond what my head tells me - impractical but real, this need to draw the salty water up from the depths of my loss...
The keening
The wailing
The rocking
The tears.

Yet another death - the death of the needs of a child daughter.
Death of a mother's need to pull life around her like warm covers;
To fluff the pillows of her experience with love and laughter;
Smiling at her everyday miracles
Knowing she carries the well within her.

She knows it - there's a dark recognition in her eyes - an awareness of the bottomless depths.
Her dreams, her tears are ancient
Bearing the losses of all our women, all our daughters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters;
All the unshed tears - the salty water of grief and loss
The salty water that ebbs and flows and pulls us to the well.
The salty water of joy, birth, death, loss, love, grief, ecstasy
Heated by anger and grief
Cooled by love and acceptance.

As we push/pull our way to the well
Carrying our baskets of love, life, joy, fear,and anger
We cover the darkness of loss and grief with a veil of competence.

Do we see?
Is our path well lit?
Do we stumble?
Do we find our way with the seeing eyes of our ancestors?
Do we heal?
Do we love?
Do we cry,moan, wail, keen, rock as we draw from the well?
Do we honor the salty water with joy and courage?

We visited the well last night and expressed our gratitude for all of the healing we have achieved through our willingness to shine the light in the darkness of what we want to name and therefore, change...

Daily Disciplines

2010-01-13T10:51:00.001-08:00

OK, 2010 is the year when I learn the practice of daily discipline with my writing. I know I can do it because I've done it with my eating - a dragon I never thought I could slay! I've heard that it takes 90 days to make a new habit of something, so my intention is to blog daily for 90 days and see where it takes me.
I'm prepared for some good stuff, some lousy stuff, some short stuff, and some novellas. This will be my writer's stream of consciousness - taking the way I speak into the way I write. I intend to learn plenty and hopefully, so will anyone who takes the time to read the personal meanderings through my mind and life.
A sponsor of mine once told me that nobody should be allowed to wander through their own mind unescorted, so I'm taking this journey with a prayer to the Universe to guide me and shed light on the dark, fertile stuff where we learn the essentials of who we are. Are you courageous enough to take my hand and join me? Yummmm, I'm excited on this auspicious day one - more tomorrow...

Weighing Anchor...

2009-12-15T07:48:00.000-08:00

I'm back!
I recently became aware that for some "unknown" rationale I have not moved into my house. I moved here two years ago and have claimed some of it, but for many reasons, I have not unpacked and personalized several rooms.

Most of my life has been spent (Ah ha! - "spent" because, yes, life is currency!) in temporary mode - on the way to something else. I constantly put my life on hold. "My life will be great when I'm a size 6 and have thick, straight hair." "I'll get the right (insert: job, life, man, outfit, body, attention, fame, success, income, etc) when I'm thin. "I can live like this until I get something better."

I felt so rooted to my Ben Lomond home - like many generations of my family had been there before me - even though I'd never seen it prior to buying it in 1999. In 2007 I sold it and bought a home in Folsom so I could have more family time and connection. It was a long, painful decision-making process. I realized that it was more important WHO I was with than WHERE I lived. But part of me hasn't moved here yet.

I now know that I need to have my home in my heart. My roots need to be in my beliefs, not in a place or condition. It's my connection to my beliefs and people I love that enriches my life and gives me joy. So I shifted my image of needing permanent, immovable roots to feel safe and secure. I recognized that I came into this life equipped with an anchor, one that I can cast out wherever I happen to be. My anchor holds me steady and serves me whenever I need it. It's portable and always available. My anchor is my faith that everything I need will come - that I can make my home beautiful and claim my space even if I don't spend the rest of my life here.

As I drifted away from blogging regularly I began to feel the deep sense of having no anchor to hold me safe and steady. I realized that, like my connection to my family and friends, my writing is an anchor for me - it helps me feel safe. I'm feeling safer already...

Senator Kennedy's Passing...

2009-08-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

I've been so teary-eyed over the passing of Senator Edward Kennedy. It feels like an important symbol of what America stands for is gone. The public joys and heartbreak of the Kennedy family have reminded us that no amount of personal wealth can guarantee happiness. They have represented the best aspects of family, philanthropy, and service.
My tears feel like such a small thing when what I really want to do is wail, cry, shriek out my anger at this huge loss and take to my bed to grieve. Yet what I will do is cry my tears, feel my sadness, and continue to do my small part - the little bit one person can do to honor their legacy of love and support for Mother Earth and Her inhabitants. Each of us has our own small part to contribute, let's do this together - his death has left an enormous void to fill.

The Un-Done...

2009-08-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

Yea! I feel 500 pounds lighter this beautiful Sunday! Actually, it's probably closer to a ton lighter! That heavy sack of "The Un-Done" has been lightened by the completion of two major projects that have been hanging over my head. It's amazing how the weight of The Un-Done affects my very soul - how I live my day. The Un-Done are heavier than any extra pounds of fat I've carried. They press me down, flat, dull, worried, negative. Nothing can be fully enjoyed within the shadow of the Un-Done.
When I finish something that's been a heavy Un-Done I feel like laughing, singing, dancing - I want to share my joy with the world. I want to have a party and invite everyone to join in my celebration of just how incredible life can be when an Un-Done is now DONE.
Sometimes it's something as simple as a mundane chore that I've finished and can cross off my list. Sometimes, it's something I've avoided for weeks, months, and yes, even years. It doesn't seem to matter how long it's been Un-Done, the overshadowing effect has the same intensity. It's all-consuming, tainting everything I think and feel and do - there lurking in the shadows, dimming the light is the Un-Done.
Today I'm grateful to feel the joy of freedom - removing the Un-Done from the shadows and into the light of completion...

God/Goddess' Food...

2009-08-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

Body/Mind/Soul: On March 12, 2008 I made a commitment to my mind/soul to finally honor my body. In my past, I limped along thinking if I had the mind/soul part all going on, the body part would just happen. That good ol' magical thinking - I can have what I want without having to DO anything different. I didn't want to acknowledge that I was completely addicted to my eating habits and unwilling to change them.
I (my mind) knew all the rules of healthy eating - how to get a healthy body and maintain it. There was nothing I hadn't tried - no diet, no pill, no exercise plan - and no amount of money I hadn't spent in search of a right size body. I spent years agonizing about my weight and all of my physical defects. I constantly put my life on hold - "when I lose this weight I'll (fill in the blank)". I avoided life because I was too fat to enjoy it.
Since March 12, 2007 I have lost 60+ pounds and am in a right size body with a healthy relationship to food. My life has changed dramatically and I'm healthier than when I was 25! I only eat "God/Goddess' food" now. If it grows as God made it, it's OK. If it's a result of human interference, avoid it. There are a few more rules I follow, but just a few. This is a lifestyle change that has been simple (not always easy) - just simple. Simple foods become simply delicious when you remove all of the man-made "enhancements".
The thing that I heard deep in my soul that completely opened me up to the possibility that I could choose to make a difference in my eating was a simple prayer someone shared with me. It shed light on my thinking and cleared the way for me to step into a new way of thinking, being, acting, living. I'll share that prayer with you and maybe you will hear it, too.
"God, please set aside everything I think I know for an open mind and a new experience." I became willing...

Energy connections...

2009-08-15T10:06:00.000-07:00

I am not self sufficient - I need others. I feel most alive when I experience deep connection to others. I AM love when I'm connected. I'm not saying I need to always be with others - I need my alone time to re energize - and the truth is that when I am conscious and aware, authentic, genuinely me, I can be with someone(s) AND feel that energy flow. It is an energy exchange - a circle of energy that keeps recharging itself.
I can also be with someone who is an energy 'thief" and drains my energy. Wait! Did I just say that they drain my energy? Urgh! What I really mean is that I give my energy to them! That's not an energy exchange connection. It's one way - to them. You know how you just feel tired after being with certain people? Well, I try to keep my interaction with that type to a minimum - they're a rapid drain on my energetic battery. I know people whom I consider to be the heavy weight champs of energy sucking! After a little time with them I feel like I've gone 15 rounds and it's a TKO because I need a nap and some quiet time.
My loving gift to me is to encourage friendships with energy EXCHANGERS and minimize interactions with energy THIEVES. What a simple formula - not always easy, definitely simple...

Just say yes...

2009-08-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, we are Miracle Makers! Every thought connects us to the Infinite Intelligence - The Universe. Our body/mind connection means that every thought has a mirror thought within our bodies - so we can make our thoughts real in our lives.
I prove this every time I make a choice to change my perception and suddenly become aware of a lightening, a feeling of deep contentment where there was dissatisfaction or chaos previously. We make miracles with our visions and thoughts. This has brought me to a place deep inside me - a knowing that has no logic or reason to support it but is real none the less. My intention is to bring my purpose to me, to stop grasping for it, and let it come to me. How simple, how profound, how real is my amazement at this subtle shift in my vibration. Yes, I will vibrate at the frequency I wish to attract to me. "It" recognizes me and we share the joy and dance together...

It's about taking action...

2009-08-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

I feel ready to start my work week - without dread! I spent my entire weekend working on all of the paperwork necessary to file my taxes from the past three years. It's complicated stuff for two of the years, so 2008 felt like a comparative breeze. I feel so much lighter now that I'm ready to take all of the data to a tax person and be legal again.
I've NEVER missed a tax deadline - that is until I decided not to file in 2006. I lost so much money that year and the year before I decided I would file late, then 2007 passed with another negative cash flow year and it seemed like too much trouble to do TWO years' worth. After 2008 passed and I blithely skipped filing, it became a heavy burden that troubled me, but seemed like an insurmountable task.
Well, the state missed my tax return and sent me a notice (a reminder that I'd been a good little tax filer in the past - was there something wrong?) and a deadline for 2006/2007. Shortly thereafter the feds found me too. Now I was faced with a decision - hide out and hope they didn't come knocking on my door or face up to my own stuff. I've spent a lot of my life looking for geographical cures for what's ailing me. Unfortunately, no matter where I ended up, there I was - still me so running was not an option. I decided to make a stand and tackle the stacks of receipts. It took the most part of three days (1 Saturday and two Sundays) to get everything organized and the numbers calculated, but I finished up at 4:30 today and feel great!
Like many things in my life, when I take action things take a positive turn. If I sit around waiting to be motivated to DO something, I live in my head and can create millions of reasons (really good ones!) about why now is not a good time. Motivation comes after I've taken action. My prayer is to be willing to take action...

Flat, middle ground...

2009-08-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

I'm in that flat middle ground between exciting and awful and it's very uncomfortable for me. I keep thinking "I'm bored", "my life is boring", "I'm getting old" - all the old tapes that drove me into acting out my addictive behaviors. You know the kind - where I do and feel, too much of everything - eating, drinking, speeding, shopping, working, flirting, sadness, depression, reading, movies, TV - you name it and I've either done it or thought about doing it. It's all about keeping me away from feeling what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it.
Now that I'm living in the present with conscious purposeful intention, I'm aware of this feeling and remember what I used to do to chase it away. For the most part my old habits are in the past. Now when I feel the urge to "DO" something I know it's because I'm trying my best to "AVOID" something.
Uh oh, time to dive down into me and shed some light on whatever is lurking there urging me to act out in destructive ways. I'm so grateful that today I can shine the light of love on that shadow part of me - that little 2 year old who still rules me at times. Would I be angry at a little toddler who couldn't control herself without guidance? No - I'd love and guide her. I'd ask others who are experienced how they would help guide this child and show her love.
I have tools and support now to guide me and my little one lovingly through the flat, middle ground. My quest is to continue to grow up and my guiding question remains "What would a mature, healthy adult do in this matter?" Sometimes I know and can imitate what a grown up would do. Sometimes I have to ask others and learn from their experience - thank you HP that I CAN learn from others' experiences now - I don't know it all anymore, nor do I have to do it all and learn everything from my own personal bad choices! Whew! Perspective from the flat, middle ground is definitely clearer...

Accepting how we love...

2009-08-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

I'm back into contemplating how I live my life alternating between "F"ear and "F"aith. I had my Grandson's 10th birthday party yesterday - a mix of families including in-laws. I love all of the preparation and hosting a party - it brings me such joy. I'm always exhausted physically but energetically charged after everyone leaves. This is the time I decompress - going over every nuance of who said what and the things that made me smile, or even better, laugh out loud. I feel such incredible love and these events rarely fail to feed my soul with that all-nurturing connection with others - especially those I love the most.
They also remind me of how I love. My need to feel deep connection with others often leaves me feeling disappointed - why can't he/she love me the way I want him/her to? Why can't I get back what I so lovingly offer? Although my inner wisdom guides me to fill my soul with my connection to my HP, I still occasionally lapse into my "F"ear mode and turn my back on "F"aith. I think those dark thoughts of lack, not enough, I'll never get enough love, nobody will ever love me the way I want to be loved, etc. Those shadow feelings can overwhelm me so I've learned that my best tool against this shadow is to choose to move out of my head where these thoughts reside and into my heart where I know for certain that my love is my gift and I can give it freely - it will always be returned. When I choose to accept love as it is given to me - regardless of what I think I want - just accept it - it grows, becomes fuller, more satisfying and a gift I can receive from others.
It's true that love is the only thing we have that the more we give it away the bigger it gets. For today, I will give love and accept love without judgement. Open my heart and my arms and let it out and let it in "F"aithfully...

Change...

2009-08-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful morning and I'm present for it - what a blessing! I feel a deep sense of purpose, gratitude and love. This is the place I love to live, the place I want to reside all the time - confident, tuned into a Higher sense of Self with the certainty that it doesn't matter what I experience, it will change. The great stuff changes and so does the awful stuff.
I'm dedicating my day to CHANGE - thanking The Universe that all things change and embracing that change with the Faith that God/Goddess always wants the best for me...

Honesty...

2009-07-31T08:57:00.000-07:00

Yippee it's Friday! My work ethic has been pretty good this week at my J-O-B so I feel like I've earned my feelings of joy that it's Friday. So much richer that way.
I've been learning lessons in honesty pretty intensely this week. Not cash register honesty, but the real, scary kind - down deep honesty with myself. Honesty about my thoughts, behaviors, ideas, relationships, and communication. This is the kind of honesty where you do the right thing even when nobody is watching - just you and HP.
With honesty comes the definition of the difference between doing things right and doing the right thing. I ask HP's guidance to do the right thing - take the next right action in all matters. Remembering that I'm ultimately answerable for my own honesty with myself and others also keeps me aware of the subtleties between telling the truth and being honest. As a master manipulator of the truth, believe me when I say that I KNOW the difference between truth and honesty. Truth comes from our heads and honesty comes from our hearts. The truth can be manipulated, omitted, or altered to suit my needs. Honesty cannot. Honesty is being alone - just me and God/Goddess and knowing that I'm revealing everything - holding nothing back - honest, essential, real, genuine, authentic. How brave we are when we're honest...

From here to there...

2009-07-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

I’m in my office wrapping up my work day and wishing I were on a beautiful sail boat gliding along loving the cool spray. I can feel the movement and the wind blowing against me.

I’ve always thought it would be heavenly to live on a boat – to feel the gentle movement of floating on the water. It fills my soul – just the thought of it brings a smile to my face.

How to get there from here – how to make it real is my question today…

Data Dump...

2009-07-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Today my brain has hit maximum capacity – I’m on input overload. When this happens, it’s almost impossible for me to be calm, reasonable, and productive. My mind just jumps from one thing I “should” do to another that I “need” to do, to something else I “have” to remember, to the one thing I can’t forget! It’s like a short circuit that jumps unpredictably from thought to thought – chaos in action.
When this happens my solution is what I call my Data Dump. I take a tablet and pen (it flows easier than a pencil on paper) and I sit down in a quiet space and start writing my list of things. All of the stuff that’s floating around in my brain keeping it busy. I list EVERYTHING I think I need to do, should do, have to do, want to do, want to remember, fantasize about doing. The list is sometimes pages long and totally uncensored. There’s no rhyme or reason to most of it, it’s just up there – random ideas, plans, wishes, hopes, dreams, things I want to say, things I want to write, things I want to tell someone, and let’s not forget all of the “shoulds”.
After all of the writing, I let it set for several hours then read it and begin organizing it into categories loosely representing goals with a timeline: personal/professional, now, within a few months, within a year, within several years, IMPOSSIBLE - DISCARD! This is my way of cleaning my idea bin – clearing out what isn’t useful and organizing what is. It’s like lifting a heavy weight from my body/mind/spirit. I feel lighter, calmer, more directed and productive – better able to live with purpose instead of just passing time here on the earth plane. It also frees up space for more creativity, more wonderful, amazing ideas and thoughts (some of which will become future Data Dump entries:>)).
These are the things I want to remember. There are also things I want to forget, but that’s another blog post arriving soon…

Dream Hangover...

2009-07-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

It's Monday morning and the alarm jerked me out of a dream during an intense emotional reaction and it's hard to shake the feelings - a dream hangover. It's one of the reasons I hate the alarm clock.
Monday mornings mean the beginning of another work week - ugh! My weekends are so relaxed and carefree until Sunday, (guess that means my weekends consist of Saturday?) then, like the shark-warning music in "Jaws" my work week begins to impose itself. Thoughts of my J-O-B push aside my relaxed freedom like a school yard bully. "It's almost Monday". "It's closer to Monday". "I'd better get ready for bed so I can get enough sleep to make it through Monday". "If I don't get relaxed enough to sleep well I'll be tired all day Monday and that'll start the lack-of-sleep cycle for the week." I've played these tapes in my head for so many years you'd think they'd be worn out by now, but they're as strong as ever.
Most Sundays I ask to accept that Monday is just another day. I don't want to think of Monday as the monster under my bed or in the closet. Some Sundays I can accept and enjoy my weekend in full. Some Sundays I don't know I'm thinking about Monday until Monday morning when I realize I feel robbed of my weekend. The thing is - I want more weekend! Just like I want more, more, more of many things in my life, I want more weekend. I want the weekend feeling to last all week - a week full of weekend.
I need reminders - visual or auditory triggers - to help me stay aware and conscious or I drift off into my auto-pilot and forget to remember that I can choose. I think I'll put signs up around my house to remind me to breathe and feel the joy in my life EVERY day, not just weekends.
How can I have a week full of weekend? I'm still working on that one and fortunately, I know it's my choice...

Sleep, wonderful sleep...

2009-07-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

I've never been a very good morning person. At times my only motivation for getting out of my bed is that if I stay too long I won't be able to sleep that night. You see, for the past 15+ years I have not slept well. I rarely wake up feeling refreshed and rested. There have been no small number of reasons why I don't sleep well and I've tried treating them with drugs, supplements, meditation, different beds and mattresses, and sheer will. Nothing has solved my poor sleep long term.
I have found the cure for my insomnia, however! It's the third night. If I have insomnia for two nights, by the third I'm so exhausted that I sleep. Maybe that's the problem: although I feel tired, I'm not tired enough to get restful sleep. Who knows? Restful sleep seems to be illusive for me, but, like many things I want, I keep praying for it.
For me, one of the most luxurious things in life is a nap. I love the feeling of giving in to that sleepy, dozy self who wants to curl up with her pillow and blanket and enter dreamland. My ideal life would include an afternoon siesta from which I could awaken refreshed and ready to do my 2nd daily installment of life. My life partner beside me would be exquisite, too. What a lovely way to live. I'm asking The Universe/God/Goddess - starting today...

The "M" word...

2009-07-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ever a black and white thinker and doer, the "M" word, "M"oderation is like a foreign language to me. I can recite many old maxims about "M"oderation: "progress, not perfection", "easy does it", "a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step", etc., but actually living them seems like dwelling in a foreign land with customs that are completely unfamiliar to me. Like learning anything new, it takes practice (which puts the "M" word to work) but I'm hard pressed to step out of the notion that I want it all and I want it now!
A friend shared something with me once. She said she stopped asking for patience because she didn't want any more situations that required her to learn patience. If she asked for patience, The Universe would continue to give her opportunities that would require her to BE patient and she was sick of it.
That's a little how I feel about the "M" word right now. "M"oderation is not the adrenaline rush of High or Low. It's that boring place in between. It's new territory and needs to be explored. "M"oderation requires me to practice principles like, enough, some, a little, partial - such challenges to my feelings of ALL, NOW, NO, MORE/MORE/MORE! You see, I can say "NO", but I'm challenged about saying "no more - enough".
Today I'm practicing "M"oderation: enough is just right - who needs ALL or NOTHING? Certainly not me. Today I will do what's on my list of things to do, keep my committments to myself and others and give up the struggle. I'm defining "M"oderation as: no more wrestling with HP over who's in charge...

The "F" word...

2009-07-18T11:30:00.000-07:00

I love the weekends. No alarm clock. A sense of freedom from obligations. What does this tell me about Monday - Friday? Well, mostly that I'm not living the life I'm desiring to live. I'm still working at a job (J-O-B) that doesn't make my heart soar. I want to wake up every morning with the feeling that I'm living my purpose - fulfilling my reason for being here.
The income from the job is necessary for me to pay the bills, but there's still a big elephant in the room that I'm pretending to ignore. The problem with pretending to ignore something means that it's weighing down my every minute with a heaviness, a sense of guilt, and the big "F" word - FEAR.
When I let go of the fear and have FAITH, my life gets so much better - miracles happen every day. Miracles like living here and now, being consiously aware of my feelings, speaking my truth, living my purpose, sensitivity towards others that takes the focus off the big "F" word - fear. Today I'm working on reframing my big "F" word from fear to "F"AITH and asking for reminders to stay real...

Still teachable...

2009-07-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

Thank you HP for giving me exactly what I've been requesting! OK, now I get it - I've been in my head (where I should not be allowed unescorted!) and thinking in my "always" and "never" terms.
Yesterday and this morning I was reminded that I attract what I think so if I want something different I have to think in a different way - speak in a different way - feel in a different way. I'm grateful that it took a mere pang of disappointment to bring me to this awareness - the pang and the observation of my wise sponsor. She hears me with the clarity of love - hears what lies underneath, what I hide from myself.
It's my choice. I can think, speak, act in ways that shift away from the old tapes and and create new ones - those that serve my goal of living my purpose. I'm so excited! I get to do some creative thinking - connecting my heart and my head - busy teaching myself to reframe my thoughts and feel the vision of me as the person I want to be. The journey is not as long as it was...

My GPS...

2009-07-16T14:15:00.000-07:00

When I'm in my head I think in terms of "always" and "never". Why does this ALWAYS happen? Things will NEVER change. When I'm in my heart I KNOW the only thing that is permanent is - is - is - LOVE. Love is an action, love is a memory, love always (yes, ALWAYS) results in more love. Love is not blind, love sees the truth and loves anyway.
Here's the trick to this: things rarely come to us in the package we're expecting. Ahhhh, there's the word that brings me from my heart jolting back into my head - expect (...ing, ...ations,...ed). Who, me, with expectations? Never! Well...? How many times have I finally been aware of my underlying feelings of expectation AFTER I've experienced my disappointment because "it"(they, he, she) wasn't what I expected?
My Higher Self desires to go through life taking the High Road - never (there's that word again!) expecting specific outcomes, always (yes, those head words define what I expect of my Higher Self, too) trusting that HP will take care of me.
Life in my reality lane, however, can sometimes be confusing - not always certain what direction to take, or even where I'm going. I came equipped with my own internal GPS (God Powered Self), but I forget to use her. The good news is that I can ask her for directions and she will never fail me. My GPS is always available, ready, willing and even happy to help. So in my most head-filled times I try to remember to use my GPS and gently drift back into my heart, where love resides. Today, I will ask to be reminded to remember...

Two steps forward, one step back...

2009-07-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when I've made progress in my ever evolving life, I must (MUST!) find some way to push back? When I feel the satisfaction of success my evil twin emerges and begins thinking she's the one in control. I know in my head, and mostly feel in my heart, that I'm NOT in control - that someone/something more powerful than a mere human is in charge, but I want to grab that illusion of control like an angry two year old and say "I can do it myself!". God/Goddess, Higher Power, please help me to remember that I am a tool for Your work here on earth and that I'm blessed with a Life Purpose that I want to live every day. I'm here to heal and communicate with love. My purpose applies to myself as well as others - instead of being angry with my two year old, I need to embrace her and gently nurture her when she wants to be in control of things. I thank God every day that I'm NOT in control because my life is chaos during the times when I just THINK I'm in control - imagine what havoc I could create if it was truly my will --- ooooooooo, scary thought, huh? You have no idea...

The beginning of a life's dream...

2009-07-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm actually doing this! I've dreamed of writing since I told my first story as a child.

In the past I turned to writing as therapy only when I was in an incredibly painful place in my life. I knew writing clarified, eased me into catharsis, made the pain more tolerable so I wouldn't use whatever I could get my hands on (food, men, alcohol, drugs, novels, movies, shopping - all THOSE distractions!) to anesthetize myself. It helped me breathe out the pain, stand in the circle of fire and diffuse it instead of avoiding it. What a powerful tool - putting pen to paper! I hope I can achieve the same level of honesty and clarity at the keyboard and in the "every day" of my life. We shall see...